Barney: Your girlfriend? She's your girl.. friend? She's a girl and a friend? Do not humanize the enemy, Ted.• Show: How I Met Your Mother • Rating: 10.0 / 10 • Permalink
Barney: There are so many great things to do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking?
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Barney: Robin and I have been keeping track of how many beds we've had sex in. We've had sex in 83 and a half beds
Ted: A half?
Barney: 19th century ottoman in an antique space
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Barney [about Canadian $5 bill]: There's kids playing hockey on the back. It's like you want us to make fun of you!
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Barney: Canada's not so bad. If they play their cards right they may even become a state one day
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Barney: ...to prove you are as American as apple pie and the childhood obesity it leads to...
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Robin: How do you know the Canadian citizenship test is easy?
Barney: It's Canada. Question one, do you want to be Canadian? Question two, really?
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Barney: Twas the night before New Years and the weather grew mean. Twas three in the morning and I was stranded in Queens! The tavern grew empty, the gaslights grew dim. The horse-drawn carriages were all but snowed in. Last call was approaching and my fortunes looked bleak, then I turned to my left and stifled a shriek! She had a peach fuzz beard and weighed 16 stone. She gobbled up hot wings..and swallowed the bones. I muffled a scream, and threw up in my mouth. I asked "Where do you live?" and she said "One block south". I swallowed my pride, and six shots of whiskey. And prayed to the Gods that she wasn't too frisky. Back in her cave, she prepared a snack. Beneath her mighty hooves, the floorboards did crack. But when she returned, she found a sound sleeper...and thus she became the Sexless Innkeeper and so are you
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Ted: Barney, are you wearing sweat pants?
Barney: Maybe, but they're Armani!
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Barney: The US Navy discovered aliens at the bottom of the ocean and for reasons I can't explain, they selected Robin and I to lead the expedition
Lily: That sounds like stuff you say to women when you're trying to get rid of them
Marshall: That's exactly what is sounds like, but if it's true that sounds totally awesome
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Total Quotes: 315
