Favorite Bob Kelso Quotes
Dr. Kelso: (on the phone) Darling, I wanna say something. For the past 25 years, we've been going through the motions - once every couple of weeks we have sex, and then we have breakfast without saying a word. Well, tonight, I want you to put on a nice dress, because I'm gonna take you to dinner and I'm gonna start telling you all the things I haven't taken the time to say all these years... I love you, too.
Ted: That was...beautiful, sir!
Dr. Kelso: Thanks, Ted. Call my wife, tell her I won't be home tonight.
Oh, that's a great anecdote. You should write that down in your journal, then your kids can read about it when you're dead
Dr. Kelso
Elliot: Dr. Kelso, why does everything keep happening to me?
Dr. Kelso: Take a breath, Dr. Reid. In, and out; that's it. That's it. Now, you went to four year of college, and four years of medical school, so I can safely presume that you are at least eight. My God, little girl, grow up and say "how do" to the world of modern medicine! My God! I've been sued four times!
Kelso: You have the voice of an angel.
Ted and Gooch: Aww, thank you.
Kelso: Not you, Ted.
Kelso: If I were ten years younger, and you were tens year younger.
Ted: It's too late, sir, I already tapped it.
Dr. Kelso: Perry! Hi. How are you, etcetera. The wife and I just took out a new insurance policy and I need a physical.
Dr. Cox: Bob, the day I willingly cradle your dusty old twig and berries and get a whiff of your chronic halitosis while you turn your head and cough, is the day you can look for me up on the roof singing "I Believe I Can Fly."
Dr. Kelso: Great stuff. See you about twoish.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, don't get me wrong, you had me worried there was gonna be a bunch of young Dr. Coxes roaming the halls, calling me "Bobbo", shaving my genitals when I pass out at the Christmas party...
Dr. Cox: Tradition is tradition, Bob.
Dr. Kelso: Yeah... Then I remembered that you've been here over ten years, and there's not a single disciple of yours to be found. And you know why?
Dr. Cox: You told 'em this exact same story and bored 'em to death?
Carla: You are not a doctor here anymore. You will not treat yourself anymore. I'm sticking the interns on you
Kelso: Oh come on... hi!
Sunny and Howie: Hi
Kelso: What happened to your sleeve there Tex?
Howie: I sewed an orange on to it
Kelso: I'll take the foreigner
Sunny: Yay! I'm so happy!
Dr. Kelso: Fantastic, sport. But that's the brachial artery and it's not how we draw blood. Now, if we need to inject him with heroin, you'll be the first one I call.
Elliot: Dr. Kelso...
Dr. Kelso: What is it, Dr. Reid? Do you have something to say?
Elliot: ...No.
Dr. Kelso: You know, son, you remind me of her so much, you're just a break-down in the supply closet away from being the same person!
Enid has always understood how much my career meant to me. She knows I'm an important man in my field, and it helps her get on all those little boards of things her friends are on... you know, like, uh, bringing art to the underprivileged kids in the community, blah blah blah. When I first met her, uh, she wanted to be a psychiatrist, but, uh...we both decided that that wasn't a fitting profession for a family woman - no offense, sweetheart. I know she's grateful. She likes to joke that I "choked the last breath of life out of her long ago, now she's just a shell of a woman." I think that's so cute; I call her "shelly"! You know, when I call her that, sometimes she laughs so hard she cries a little
Dr. Kelso
When the Kelsonoviches settled in Monroeville, P.A., there were two steel mills, three bars, not a doctor in sight. Then, my old man set up a shingle and started delivering babies and stitching up three-fingered steel men by the wagon-load. Everybody loved him. When they couldn't come up with the cash, he would always gladly accept a handmade sweater or a bushel of turnips.... Jackass
Dr. Kelso
Elliot: Dr. Kelso, you do realize you don't work here anymore
Kelso: Look, her husband was an old friend of mine, plus I have forgotten more medicine than you two will ever know. [to Denise] I don't know you but I assume I have you beat because you're blond and rolling with ms reeks of beer
Elliot: It's my hair, okay?
Denise: And watch the lip, grandpa, because you wouldn't be the first old man I beat up
Kelso: I like her, she has girl balls
Dr. Kelso: Doctor Cox, did you get my memo reminding all senior staff that lab coats must be worn at all times?
Dr. Cox: You know I did get it there Bob and at first I just threw it away, but then I decided that wasn't a grand enough gesture, so I made a replica of you out of straw and I put my lab coat on it with your memo in the pocket, and then I invited all the kids in the neighborhood to come over to light it on fire and whack it with sticks.
