Favorite Bob Kelso Quotes
Dr. Kelso: Fantastic, sport. But that's the brachial artery and it's not how we draw blood. Now, if we need to inject him with heroin, you'll be the first one I call.
Elliot: Dr. Kelso...
Dr. Kelso: What is it, Dr. Reid? Do you have something to say?
Elliot: ...No.
Dr. Kelso: You know, son, you remind me of her so much, you're just a break-down in the supply closet away from being the same person!
Carla: I don't think he understands that "Espinosa" is more than a name to me. It's my heritage. It's also a candy bar in Equador. But mostly it's my heritage. I just don't want to do this Dr. Kelso, but I already agreed. What do you think I should do?
Dr. Kelso: Well, Nurse Snickers, until now you've just been white noise. But since you forced me to respond, let me a tell you a couple of things that only a few people know: I haven't paid my country club dues since the third quarter of ninety-seven. But I still tee off every Wednesday at eight fifteen, and take a bare-ass steam when the last putt drops. But more importantly, I really don't care about any of you or your problems. And you can confirm that with Ted.
Ted: Don't those Espinosa's have nougat?
Start punching out on time or I'll punch you out on time!... I don't mean that violently, I was just trying to turn a phrase.
Dr. Kelso
Dr. Kelso: Doctor Cox, did you get my memo reminding all senior staff that lab coats must be worn at all times?
Dr. Cox: You know I did get it there Bob and at first I just threw it away, but then I decided that wasn't a grand enough gesture, so I made a replica of you out of straw and I put my lab coat on it with your memo in the pocket, and then I invited all the kids in the neighborhood to come over to light it on fire and whack it with sticks.
Oh, that's a great anecdote. You should write that down in your journal, then your kids can read about it when you're dead
Dr. Kelso
J.D.: You're an actor.
Janitor: You're a fireman! What are we doing?
J.D.: Game over, Klaus. I saw you in 'The Fugitive'.
Janitor: Ohhh, yeah, yeah. I was in a Harrison Ford movie, but, you know what, I chose this life instead 'cause it's a little more glamorous.
Dr. Kelso: Hey, champ. There's some vomit on the back steps with your name on it.
Janitor: Well, that's my cue. Action!
Elliot: Dr. Kelso, you do realize you don't work here anymore
Kelso: Look, her husband was an old friend of mine, plus I have forgotten more medicine than you two will ever know. [to Denise] I don't know you but I assume I have you beat because you're blond and rolling with ms reeks of beer
Elliot: It's my hair, okay?
Denise: And watch the lip, grandpa, because you wouldn't be the first old man I beat up
Kelso: I like her, she has girl balls
J.D.: Hey, do you know what Alex Hanson looks like?
Doug: He's okay.
Laverne: I don't know. I don't look at the ladies.
Dr. Kelso: Young man, I've been married for over three decades. I would've gone there, though; oh, yes, I would've.
Janitor: Who cares? No one'll ever love you.
Ted: I don't find her pretty; but since my wife left, when I look at a woman, I find it hard to see past the evil.
When the Kelsonoviches settled in Monroeville, P.A., there were two steel mills, three bars, not a doctor in sight. Then, my old man set up a shingle and started delivering babies and stitching up three-fingered steel men by the wagon-load. Everybody loved him. When they couldn't come up with the cash, he would always gladly accept a handmade sweater or a bushel of turnips.... Jackass
Dr. Kelso
Dr. Dorian, do you not realize that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me? For God's sake, the only reason I carry this chart around is so I can pretend to remember your damn names!
Dr. Kelso
Enid has always understood how much my career meant to me. She knows I'm an important man in my field, and it helps her get on all those little boards of things her friends are on... you know, like, uh, bringing art to the underprivileged kids in the community, blah blah blah. When I first met her, uh, she wanted to be a psychiatrist, but, uh...we both decided that that wasn't a fitting profession for a family woman - no offense, sweetheart. I know she's grateful. She likes to joke that I "choked the last breath of life out of her long ago, now she's just a shell of a woman." I think that's so cute; I call her "shelly"! You know, when I call her that, sometimes she laughs so hard she cries a little
Dr. Kelso
Dr. Kelso: Perry! Hi. How are you, etcetera. The wife and I just took out a new insurance policy and I need a physical.
Dr. Cox: Bob, the day I willingly cradle your dusty old twig and berries and get a whiff of your chronic halitosis while you turn your head and cough, is the day you can look for me up on the roof singing "I Believe I Can Fly."
Dr. Kelso: Great stuff. See you about twoish.
