Not everyone can be as fascinating as you, Brian.

Stewie

The good news is that now he can go back to being a regular kid.

You're giving your baby drugs to improve his acting career?

I'm just saying. It's no surprise that justice isn't colorblind.

I don't think it's lost on any of us that the laws are writte on white paper.

You're like all the worst parts of a girlfriend.

Brian: OMG, Stewie. What are you doing in the toilet with the lid closed?
Stewie: Ted R. says this is where a piece of crap has to live.

So I was wondering why this tampon commerical was so long, until I realized it was a rerun of Sex and The City

Brian: You've been hanging out with Tom Cruise?
Stewie: Sure have. We spent the whole day together, and he showed me there are a lot of advantages to being short.
Brian: Yeah? Like what? You're the last one to get wet when it rains?

You know, it's times like this where I think if I didn't talk and you were a normal baby, we wouldn't have any of these problems.

God he must be the coolest fat guy in a train conductor's cap in the world!

Stewie: Yes looks like someone's gone at him with a whip.
Brian: That is a perfectly valid way of saying that. Bravo master.
Stewie: Master? Aaand a surprisingly quick erection for Stewie.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Meg: Do you like Coldplay?
Tobey: Am I a dull white guy? Yes, I like Coldplay!