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Lois: Are you and Glenn thinking about children?
Charmese: Unfortunately, I can't have children.
Lois: Oh. Menopause?
Charmese: No, I got knifed in the vagina one Christmas.
Brian: Oh, the holidays are always stressful.

Brian: I just wish I could have had five years to be good.
Stewie: There's your voice, Brian. It's a depressing voice, but it's yours. Write from that.

Brian: Wow, this is amazing, every major playwright is here.
Stewie: Yes, and it seems to be quite the successful party. Several of them have already committed suicide.

Brian: Stewie, don't you think you're overdoing it with that outfit?
Stewie: I don't wear anything I can't take off with a flourish.

Brian: I think, I think we're launching!
Lois: Oh my god, everyone strap yourselves in! Stewie, hold my hand.
Stewie: No thanks, I prefer to die giving you the finger.
Peter: If this is what it takes to get out of Florida, fine.

Brian: (as Robbie) I think I might hang out in the town square. I hear an oracle from Greece is sending a funny message and I wanna be there when it arrives.
Messenger: (running in and gasping for air) Penis.
Brian: Heh.

Peter: (as Joseph) Oh my God, look at that body. Can't you just imagine her standing on people's front lawns inside a cut-in-half bathtub?
Brian: (as Robbie) You should go talk to her and see if she can talk.

Meg: I can only imaging what it was like for them on that very first Christmas.
Brian: Yeah, it was probably very moving. And fictional.
Stewie: Jesus lived with us for like a week, what else do you need?

Meg: Oh my god that's so disturbing.
Chris: I know, gross!
Brian: Yeah, my hearing's a lot better so I hear like, suction and stuff.

Brian: And somebody replaced Meg's sleeping pills with Alka-Seltzer.
Meg: People are going to miss me when I [long burp].

Brian: Alright, very funny, Stewie. You replaced my Jack Daniel's with flat Diet Coke.
Stewie: No I didn't! And you're noticing this at 8:20 in the morning? What has happened to your life? Do you need to talk?

Stewie: Ah, look at this, she's taped photographs of Virginia Woolf and Katy Perry on the inside cover, as if she's some sort of hip hybrid of those two things.
Brian: Yeah, like she could ever write "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
Stewie: "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" was not written by Virginia Woolf.
Brian: Yeah, obviously, but y'know, it's pretty much about her.
Stewie: It really isn't, Brian.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 324 in total

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Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley
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