Peter: Jesus, we're going to help you lose your virginity!
Quagmire: Oh god! I love sex!

Joe: Sex is overrated.
Peter: Stay out of this Joe.

Hey, its Thanksgiving. Shouldn't you be in Detroit losing a football game right about now.

Brian: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: Playing Unga Bunga. It's the championship.
Stewie: Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at $4.

Stewie: Are you blood brothers with Meg because you ate her tampon out of the trash?
Brian: No, that, that's something else.

Apollo: I was booked for three hours by "Archibald Meatpants."
Brian: He's...he's dead.
Apollo: Well, either way, I'm getting paid and somebody's getting torn open.

Thank God we're finally here. Kind of weird that they showed Flight 93 on Flight 93.

Brian: Oh my god, Stewie, it worked! We're in Vegas!
Stewie: Yeah, alright! Let's go to the hospital, get checked for teleportation cancer, and then party!

Peter: Shut up, Meg!
Lois: Peter!
Chris: Dad!
Brian: You're back!
Meg: [dejectedly] Yay.

Stewie: Brian, I can't find Rupert anywhere! Have you seen him?
Brian: Oh, I thought Lois would've told you. She sent him back to the factory.
Stewie: what, why?
Brian: She was afraid he was going to choke you.
Stewie: That was a game we played! Believe me, I was in control the whole time!

Peter: Well, I'll be on the lookout for great tits.
Lois: Peter!
Brian: Well actually Lois, that's a species of bird that's been known to frequent domestic birdhouses.

I think Anne Murray sucks and that's my opinion.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

I forgot Yelp was a weapon for dumb people, you taught me something today Brian.

Stewie