If you ever put your hands on my daughter again, I will string you up by your feet, run you up the flagpole and let the birds peck out your eyes.

Mitchell: I think I'm laying on a rock.
Cam: I'm laying next to mine.

There are coyotes out here, and meth addicts!

Oh I'm sorry are my pinkies up? They do that when I get excited. Down girls.

It's better to carry a tune than a grudge.

You don't know terror until you have to stare down the eyes of a Missouri state trooper and talk your way out of a PUI.

I've been fired, everyone has.

Gloria: Is that a leash?
Cam: It's a child safety tether.

Cam: Do you have a better idea, you're the one who lost it!
Mitchell: No, you tossed it. You tossed it, lost it.

As an actual tough guy you could see how that would rub my dad the wrong way.

Mitchell: I know how important winning is to Claire.
Cam: And I love to festoon things.

Mitchell: Oh my God, there's Sandy.
Cam: Sandra Bullock?
Mitchell: Yeah we're such good friends, I just call her Sandy.