Well you might as well be a dead hobo in the woods of a small town after a rainstorm because you have just been discovered.

What kind of monster throws an injured innocent on the street?

Maybe we can pump Marcus full of whatever we gave those bike riders.

We're not bad parents, Claire is!

Cam [to Mitchell]

Because we refused to abuse we got banned from the party of the century?

Please to not turn me marrying my daughter into something ugly.

Cam: Everyone here is 11 and I'm hot.
Mitchell: If you were hot we'd be drinking right now.

We should start calling her ranch house, cause she doesn't have a second story.

Cam: Are you excited for your big sleepover with your cousins?
Lily: Who's watching me?
Cam: Haley.
Lily: I'm serious.
Mitchell: Alex.
Lily: Okay let's go.

Cam: Okay what did we learn from "A League of Their Own?"
Claire: No crying in baseball.
Cam: No, that Madonna's a lousy actress and so are you. So what's going on?

Cats, now and forever. Well actually until next Thursday. It's been described as transcendent!

Cam: I'm a doer and an action taker. Sean Penn would play me in a movie about this. Or Anne Hathaway if they wanted a female driven vehicle.
Mitchell: And who would play your long suffering partner?
Cam: Julianne Moore either way.
Mitchell: I would totally see that. I would.