Jump, swim, now give me your best Beyonce.

Mitchell look around, your family is cheating on me with your ex boyfriend!

Aww time to heal more, that's so sweet and sensitive. Why did you kill that part of yourself?

Cam [to Mitchell]

Cam: Well obviously the tooth fairy made a mistake.
Mitchell: Maybe it's cause the tooth fairy had a little too much chardonnay last night.

Phil: She's like the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
Cam: With cuter hair.

You know what? You just caused a scene in a restaurant and you can't get anymore like your daddies than that.

Cam [to Lily]

Cam: I knew when I was 5.
Mitchell: Everyone knew when you were 5.

I call my method the Trojan horse.

Well you might as well be a dead hobo in the woods of a small town after a rainstorm because you have just been discovered.

What kind of monster throws an injured innocent on the street?

Maybe we can pump Marcus full of whatever we gave those bike riders.

We're not bad parents, Claire is!

Cam [to Mitchell]

Modern Family Quotes

Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.