Favorite Chandler Bing Quotes
(Making up a story instead of reading The List) It was summer ... and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. "Oh look!" cried Ned, and then the kingdom was his forever. The end.
(Singing to Ross) Who's the bitterest man in the living room, the bitterest man in the living room? Hi, neighbor!
Ross: (About Carol being a lesbian) She didn't know! How should I know?
Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian. (Everyone turns to stare at him) Did I just say that out loud?
Ross: (Eavesdropping on Rachel and Mark) The door's closed! I can't see anything with the door closed!
Chandler: And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.
Chandler: Eight and a half hours of aptitude tests, intelligence tests, personality tests... and what do I learn? (He taps the results and reads them) "You are ideally suited for a career in data processing for a large multinational corporation."
Phoebe: That's so great because you already know how to do that!
Chandler: (Showing Joey how to smoke for his audition) Don't think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that's been missing from your hand. With it, you feel right. You feel complete.
Joey: You miss it?
Chandler: No, not so much.
Joey: What are you talking about? "One woman." That's like saying there's only one flavor of ice cream for you. Let me tell you something, Ross. There's lots of flavors out there. There's Rocky Road, and Cookie Dough, and Bing! Cherry Vanilla. You could get 'em with Jimmies, or nuts, or whipped cream! This is the best thing that ever happened to you! You got married, you were, like, what, eight? Welcome back to the world! Grab a spoon!
Ross: I honestly don't know if I'm hungry or horny.
Chandler: Then stay out of my freezer.
Ross: What's Joey gonna do when he finds out you blew his sister off with a letter?
Chandler: That's the part where you tell him I moved to France. (Ross looks at Chandler) ... When actually I'll be in Cuba.
Ross: All right, look, look, you've got to do this yourself, okay. In person. At least you know her name. You just go to the house and you ask for Mary-Angela, okay. When which ever one she is comes to the door, you take her for a walk, you let her down easy.
Chandler: What if Mary-Angela comes to the door and I ask for Mary-Angela?
Ross: Where in Cuba?
You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection. (Thinking) Gum would be perfection? Gum would be perfection. Could have said, gum would be nice, or, I'll have a stick, but no no no no. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.
Joey: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I get 'ya?
Chandler: No, you didn't get me! It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!
Monica: (Cleaning frantically) Whose little ball of paper is this?
Chandler: Oh, that would be mine. See, I wrote a note to myself, then I realized I didn't need the note. So I balled it up and now I wish I was dead.
Chandler: She's amazing! She makes the women I dream about look like short, fat, bald men!
Monica: Well, go over to her! She's not with anyone.
Chandler: Oh yeah, right. And what would my opening line be? "Excuse me. Blah ra-rgh la-rgh."
Rachel: Oh, come on. She's a person, you can do it!
Chandler: Oh please. Could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up here.
Ross: He could never get a woman like that in a million years.
Chandler: Thank you, buddy.
