South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralChef Quotes
Chef: I hope you're ready for lunch children, because today I've got spooky spaghetti, and freaky french fries...
Stan: Uh, Chef?
Chef: ...and haunted hash browns, and a creepy cookie...
Kyle: Chef?
Chef: ...and monstrous milk, and a terrifying napkin!
Stan: CHEF!!
Look Elton, you are a great singer, but a retarded monkey could write better lyrics.
Well I'll be sodomized on Christmas!
Johnny Cochran: Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, Chef's attorney would certainly want you to believe that his client wrote "Stinky Britches" ten years ago. And they make a good case. Hell, I almost felt pity myself! But, ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one final thing I want you to consider. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a wookie from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about that; that does not make sense!
Gerald: Dammit!
Chef: What?
Gerald: He's using the Chewbacca Defense!
Johnny Cochran: Why would a wookie, an 8 foot tall wookie, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two foot tall ewoks? That does not make sense! But more importantly, you have to ask yourself, 'what does that have to do with this case?' Nothing. Ladies and Gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case. It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberatin' and conjugatin' the Emancipation Proclamation, does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.
Judge Moses: Mr. Chef, you've been found guilty for harrassing a major record label. The full fee of two million dollars will be handed over within 24 hours.
Chef: Do I look like I have two million dollars?
Judge Moses: Well, you have 24 hours to find it, or else you'll have to go to jail for eight million years!
Man: (whispering) It's actually for four years.
Judge Moses: Oh, sorry. You'll go to jail for four years.
Chef: This can't be happening!
Cous-cous: Nobody came again!
Chef: There there, Cous-cous. It'll be alright. Maybe you just need to change your image.
Cous-cous: What do you mean?
Chef: Nobody wants to see a guy named Cous-cous. You need a big, strong, beefy name.
Cous-cous: Beefy, like Tri-Tip!
Chef: That's not bad. Here, have some meat loaf.
(back to present day)
Meat Loaf: I owe everything to Chef.
Now get the fudge out of my house.
Chef: Get them while they're hot. My all new cookies, I Just Went And Fudged Your Momma.
Cartman: Jesus, he sure ran that one into the ground.
Kyle: Does poo go to heaven?
Chef: I kinda hope not.
Chef: Children, this whole film festival thing has quite lucrative monetary possibilities. Now I'm gonna sell some of my famous cookies to these Hollywood types and make a mint.
Cartman: What kind of cookies?
Kyle: Calm down tubby!
Chef: (Phone rings, he answers) Hello? What? Oh, hello, children! It's a what? A giant snake?! Killing everybody?! Growing bigger?! Children, you know I rarely say this, but, well... fudge ya. (hangs up)
Kyle: What did he say?
Stan: Dude, I think he told us to go f(beep)k ourselves.
Cartman: Wow!
Kyle: How's that gonna help?
Okay. Everybody get in a line so I can whoop all your asses!
</i> Chef
