Cleveland: Cool, Glenn! You look like Tommy Lee!
Quagmire: Well that oughta be appropriate, since I just found out I have hepatitis

You're the white version of a black guy that's not good with his money

Cleveland: Peter, not all Jewish people are good with money.
Peter: Well, I guess not the retarded ones, but why would you even say that? For shock value? Jeez, Cleveland, there's "edgey", and then there's "offensive."

Joe: I heard that when Daggermouth eats you, he devours your guts first.
Cleveland: I heard he doesn't just eat you, he eats your soul.
Peter: I heard one of Shannon Doherty's eyes is off center because it's trying to escape

[the Ku Klux Klan are chasing Peter and Cleveland]
Peter: Holy crap, do you see what I see?
Cleveland: I'm afraid I do.
Peter: We're being chased by ghosts!

Cleveland: You just put Peter in the doghouse, which is where your mother...
Loretta: Don't say it.
Cleveland: Your mother smells

Cleveland: So where is it you need to go, my new honkey friend?
Peter: Rhode Island. That's not too far, is it?
Cleveland: Nothing's too far away from Maxine the cheatin' queen. Women. That's not fair, I'm just speaking out of hurt

Cleveland: Look at all the damage!
Peter: Thank God the open air debris garden is still intact

Quagmire: Here's to the Drunken Clam, boys! Where they don't ask for proof of age and neither do I!
Cleveland: Quagmire. You forgot to say "oh".
Quagmire: You sure? I think I did... Well, just to be safe. Oh!

Cleveland: I can't believe how terrible the fishing was.
Peter: Yeah, all we caught was a tire, a boot, a tin can, and this book of clichés

Cleveland: If you're this desperate about Chris's weight, why don't you just suck the fat out?
Peter: Look, if you can find a hole on the boy that you want to put your lips on, be my guest

There's quite a crowd outside. I haven't seen pandemonium like this since Ridiculous Day down at the deli, where prices were so low, they were ridiculous

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley