I was going to take you to an empty broom closet and (makes feral face) bang the shit out of you.

Dude, you're wearing makeup. And a girdle.

Christie [to Dennis]

Baby's got back, Christie. Baby's got back.

I'd rather get blasted in the balls by a battering ram than have to have a conversation with the guy.

I'm gonna bang Tom Murphy's black wife.

To think I was going to let you jack me off.

Adriano [to Dee]

I'm going to wait right here and wait for my minions to swarm me.

I don't want to talk to old men who are pretending to be women and ex-wives.

Dennis: A dead tooth.
Maureen: With a diamond in it.
Dennis: Put a diamond in anything that's dead and it's still dead.

Do not talk to me for the rest of the night and know that I won't be talking to you because you lower my stock.

Brad Fisher: It's not acne. It's hornet scars.
Dennis: I don't think I have any products that take care of hornet scars.

Dee: Baby got back.
Dennis: Sir Mix-A-Lot was not talking about women whose backs have recovered from horrific spinal disorders.

It's Always Sunny Quotes

Charlie: I'll totally pull a Good Will Hunting on those kids and that'll put them in their place.
Mac: How you gonna do that?
Charlie: Well, you've seen the movie right?
Mac: Yeah.
Charlie: So all I gotta do is, I'll ask them some big shot, like math or science, history-type college question aand that will totally stump them by knowing a lot more about the answer than they do.
Mac: In that movie, Matt Damon played a genius janitor, you're just a janitor.
Charlie: Right, you stumped me with that one.

Mac: He doesn't have any poison.
Charlie: I don't have any on me, but I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar.
Frank: There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles. What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones?
Charlie: Well that's mayonnaise. It's a decoy.
Frank: And the mayo?
Charlie: That's shampoo.
Frank: You're telling I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?
Charlie: If you've been using the mayonnaise, then yeah, probably.