If onlys and justs were candies and nuts, then everyday would be un de donkfest!

Dwight: Knock, knock.
Michael: Who's there?
Dwight: KGB.
Michael: KGB - [Dwight slaps Michael]
Dwight: [in Russian accent] We will ask the questions!

Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I do not do that thing.


Dwight: (sees Jerome Bettis) Why do they call him The Bus?
Michael: Because he's afraid to fly.

I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.


In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all...it's fear. Merry Christmas.

Dwight: Don't you want to earn Schrute bucks?
Stanley: No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight: What's the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks?
Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim, is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so actually Jim is my enemy. But-

Michael always says "K-I-S-S. Keep it simple, stupid." Great advice. Hurts my feelings every time.


Wallace: Can you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy.
Dwight: I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie, and it turns out, it's pretty realistic.
Wallace: We had to pay for it. It cost us thirty-five hundred dollars.
Michael: Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy? Okay. Look. This is why we have training. We start with the dummy and learn from our mistakes and now Dwight knows, not to cut the face off a real person.

What's the argument here? NBA, WNBA. One is a sport. One is a joke. I love sports. I love jokes. Room for all.

You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to beg for mercy. You have the right to request judgment by combat. Dwight's rights.

The Office Quotes

Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.


Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.