If onlys and justs were candies and nuts, then everyday would be un de donkfest!

Dwight: Knock, knock.
Michael: Who's there?
Dwight: KGB.
Michael: KGB - [Dwight slaps Michael]
Dwight: [in Russian accent] We will ask the questions!

'R' is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder and not mukduk.

Dwight: Don't you want to earn Schrute bucks?
Stanley: No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight: What's the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks?
Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.

Dwight: Jim, tell him wear he can stick his grapes.
Jim: In the fridge!

I know how to sit on a fence. Hell, I can even sleep on a fence. The trick is to do it face down with the post in your mouth.

In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all...it's fear. Merry Christmas.

I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.

Dwight

Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I do not do that thing.

Dwight

Michael: Boner Bomb starring Jason Statham. Or go against type with an Eisenberg or Michael Cera.
Dwight: Movie idea?
Michael: Noooo...Saving the world has never been this hard.

Phyllis: Hi.
Dwight: She introduced me to so many things. Pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism, presents on your birthday, preventative medicine.
Phyllis: It's nice to learn new things.
Dwight: I was talking to myself.
Phyllis: Okay.
Dwight: I just don't get it.
Phyllis: What don't you get?
Dwight: Why is she marrying Andy?
Phyllis: Angela's not really a risk taker. And Andy's not really a risk.
Dwight: That's really fattening.
Phyllis: No, it's lettuce.

The Office Quotes

A little cover up on your adam's apple will make it appear smaller, which will make you look less like a transvestite.

Michael (to Gabe)

Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm...easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Michael