Popular Dwight Schrute Quotes
Dwight: Knock, knock.
Michael: Who's there?
Michael: KGB - [Dwight slaps Michael]
Dwight: [in Russian accent] We will ask the questions!
If onlys and justs were candies and nuts, then everyday would be un de donkfest!
Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.
'R' is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder and not mukduk.
I never smile if I can help it. Showing one's teeth is a submission signal in primates. When someone smiles at me, all I see is a chimpanzee begging for its life.Dwight
Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years; she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.
Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I do not do that thing.Dwight
Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim, is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so actually Jim is my enemy. But-
Dwight: Jim, tell him wear he can stick his grapes.
Jim: In the fridge!
Dwight: Don't you want to earn Schrute bucks?
Stanley: No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight: What's the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks?
Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.
Michael always says "K-I-S-S. Keep it simple, stupid." Great advice. Hurts my feelings every time.Dwight
What's the argument here? NBA, WNBA. One is a sport. One is a joke. I love sports. I love jokes. Room for all.