If onlys and justs were candies and nuts, then everyday would be un de donkfest!

Dwight: Knock, knock.
Michael: Who's there?
Dwight: KGB.
Michael: KGB - [Dwight slaps Michael]
Dwight: [in Russian accent] We will ask the questions!

Dwight: Don't you want to earn Schrute bucks?
Stanley: No. In fact, I'll give you a billion Stanley nickels if you never talk to me again.
Dwight: What's the ratio of Stanley nickels to Schrute bucks?
Stanley: The same as the ratio of unicorns to leprechauns.

Jim is my enemy. But it turns out that Jim is also his own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So Jim, is actually my friend. But, because he is his own worst enemy, the enemy of my friend is my enemy so actually Jim is my enemy. But-

Women are like wolves. If you want a wolf, you have to trap it. Snare it. Then to keep it happy, you have to tame it. Feed it, care for it. Lovingly. The way an animal deserves to be loved. And my animal deserves a lot of loving.

Phyllis: Hi.
Dwight: She introduced me to so many things. Pasteurized milk, sheets, monotheism, presents on your birthday, preventative medicine.
Phyllis: It's nice to learn new things.
Dwight: I was talking to myself.
Phyllis: Okay.
Dwight: I just don't get it.
Phyllis: What don't you get?
Dwight: Why is she marrying Andy?
Phyllis: Angela's not really a risk taker. And Andy's not really a risk.
Dwight: That's really fattening.
Phyllis: No, it's lettuce.

'R' is among the most menacing of sounds. That's why they call it murder and not mukduk.

In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all...it's fear. Merry Christmas.

No nobbies, no probbies. Nice try Jim.

Dwight: The petting zoo closes at 2:00, and the goat roast starts at 3:00.

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I always wanted to be hay king... but the world shines on Mose.

Michael: Dwight, put the bottle down or you're fired!
Dwight: You can't fire me! I don't work in this van!

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 634 in total

The Office Quotes

Pam: I actually might not go. Feeling kind of tired.
Meredith: Do you wanna make appletinis and watch Sex and the City at my place?
Pam: Oh, I don't know. I haven't decided. Yet.

Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

Michael
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