Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
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Dr. Hartman: Glenn Quagmire? Why does that name sound familiar? Oh yeah, I treated you for butt flu.
Quagmire: Hey, you wanna keep it down?
Dr. Hartman: Hey now, that's my privilege as a doctor to talk about that sort of stuff.

Quagmire: Baldness is for women's crotches, not men's heads.
Peter: There ya go, that's pretty gross.

Quagmire: Hey slow down, drive like hell, you'll get there!
Peter: Quagmire, what the hell are you doing?
Quagmire: I'm letting all these hot rodders know this is a neighborhood, not a speedway track!

Joe: It feels good to know that thanks to me and my colleagues, a lot fewer people will be injecting cocaine into their penises tonight.
Peter: Is that a thing?
Quagmire: It's a great thing.

Hey kid, come here. I wanna see if I can still smell your mom's boobs on your mouth.

Peter: I mean, who says the body next to you has to be male or female? Or whatever!
Quagmire: Or alive!
Peter: Yeah! Well, no. But yeah!

Peter: "I'M Back Bush?"
Quagmire: "This can't be a surprise to you, Peter."
Peter: "Yea, I knew, I just didn't know you knew!"

Carter: "Hey Quandry."
Quagmire: "No, no it's Quagmire."

"O come on! They don't own French fries!"

Joe: "I know, an exciting day for me is when I watch wheelchair porn. Boy do sparks fly on those."
Quagmire: "Oh is it hot?"
Joe: "Eh, it's mostly chairs smashing into each other."

"Peaches, Ginger, Honey, Candy, Olive... oh you know what? This is the wrong journal..."

Meg: "Hey, when you get sexually abused in a coma, do you know it's happening and can't do anything about it, or do you just not know what's going on?"
Quagmire: "I also am curious about that."

Displaying quotes 25 - 36 of 138 in total

Family Guy Quotes

North Dakota, we're not even the best Dakota!

Peter

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley