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(Bart opens Grampa's gift, a box of cash)
Marge: Where'd you get all the money?
Grampa: The government. I didn't earn it, I don't need it, but if they miss one payment I'll raise hell.

Grampa: That doll is evil, I tell ya! Evil! Evil!
Marge: Grampa, you said that about all the other presents.
Grampa: I just want attention

Homer: So then his wife comes through the door!
Bart: So?
Homer: Did I mention that she was dead?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Well, she was! And then, she hit him in the head with a golf-club!
Bart: And?
Homer: Don't you remember? He went golfing all the time, and it really bugged her.
Lisa: You said he went bowling!
Homer: D'oh!
Grampa: Homer! I've coughed up scarier stuff than that!
Bart: Hey, Grampa. Why don't you tell us a story? You've led an interesting life
Grampa: That's a lie, and you know it! But I did see a lot of movies

Homer: You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa: Fathers have to say that stuff!
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Grampa: No, you're homely as a mule's butt!
Homer: There, see?

I'll take that secret to my grave, or urn, or medical school dissecting table or wherever you're dumping me.

Our ancestors were kicked out of Australia.

Oh, you mean Adam and Eve Simpson. Or as you may know them, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.

Marge: Well, we lost the money, but at least we still have each other.
Grampa: Hey, the dog's dead.

Marge: Well I was thinking... do you think you could babysit the kids this weekend, I wouldn't ask, but we're desperate.
Grampa: Oh suuuure! Last resort. Old Grandpa the feeb. The guy who can't be counted on for nothing knowhow dag-nammit. Everyone's against me! (Pause) I'll do it!

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