Grampa: That doll is evil, I tell ya! Evil! Evil!
Marge: Grampa, you said that about all the other presents.
Grampa: I just want attention

Bart: Nice try, Mr. Flanders. But I've got a story so scary you'll wet your pants!
Grampa: Too late.

Homer: You're cute as a bug's ear.
Lisa: Fathers have to say that stuff!
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?
Grampa: No, you're homely as a mule's butt!
Homer: There, see?

I'll take that secret to my grave, or urn, or medical school dissecting table or wherever you're dumping me.

Our ancestors were kicked out of Australia.

Oh, you mean Adam and Eve Simpson. Or as you may know them, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.

Marge: Well, we lost the money, but at least we still have each other.
Grampa: Hey, the dog's dead.

Marge: Well I was thinking... do you think you could babysit the kids this weekend, I wouldn't ask, but we're desperate.
Grampa: Oh suuuure! Last resort. Old Grandpa the feeb. The guy who can't be counted on for nothing knowhow dag-nammit. Everyone's against me! (Pause) I'll do it!

(Bart and Lisa's breakfast with Grampa)
Grampa: (Pours Lisa a cup of coffee) Sugar?
Lisa: (Nervous) Yes, ten please.
Bart: (Rattlin') Hey Grampa, top me off!
Grampa: Are you sure your Ma let you kids drink coffee?
Bart: FOR THE LAST TIME, YES!!!!

Grampa: Oh, Lisa, what makes you think you deserve all that money?
Lisa: I don't deserve it, Grampa. No one here does. The people who deserve it are on the streets, and they're in the slums. They're little children who need more library books and families who can't make ends meet. Of course, if you really wanted to, you could buy me a pony.
Grampa: You're right!
Lisa: I'll name her Princess, and I'll ride her every day!

Bea: So, um, (Clears throat) tell me about yourself.
Grampa: Uh, widower, one son, one working kidney. And you?
Bea: Widowed, bad hip and liver disorder.

Grampa: Out of my way, I got a date with an angel.
Jasper: You don't know how right you are, Abe.
Grampa: What?
Jasper: I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but Bea passed away last night.
Grampa: Oh no.
Jasper: It was her ticker. The doctor said her left ventricle burst.
Grampa: No, Jasper. They may say she died from a burst ventricle, but I know she died of a broken heart.

The Simpsons Quotes

(Squishing an ice cream to his forehead) I'm a unitard!

Ralph

Kent Brockman: When cat burglaries start, can mass murders be far behind? This reporter isn't saying that the burglar is an inhuman monster like the Wolfman, but he very well could be. So, professor: would you say it's time for everyone to panic?
Professor: Yes I would, Kent.