Californication

Sundays 10:30 PM on Showtime
Californication
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I feel like the good lord himself picked me up with his bare hands, laid me down on a bed of rusty nails, pinned my ankles behind my ears and just stuck it in. No Vaseline no lube no nothin. Not even a little spittle. That mother fu-ker just took his Darth Vader helmet, that big Darth Vader helmet and just rammed it home. He wrecked my pretty little virgin a--hole, my sweet little brown bud. Pulled out, came on my t-ts, wiped his di-k on the curtains and left me for dead. That's just me. How bout you guys?

I know I'm a big fan of the bye bye pain juice, but I don't think I'm an alcoholic do you?

Worst intervention ever.

I like my stink.

You're going to live to humiliate yourself another day.

The older I get the clearer it becomes that you two were the best thing to ever happen to an old fool like me.

That's just me, an ungrateful heathen, highway to Hell and whatnot.

Don't come back here without a dozen roses and your dick in a box.

I can make fun of Runkle but you can't.

All my life I thought that sort of life was lame, but now I realize the joke was on me.

Hank: Just be careful. young writers on the rise have been known to make certain mistakes.
Becca: Such as?
Hank: Such as sticking their dicks in places kind words and flattery come from.

It helps to have daughters in low places.

Displaying quotes 13 - 24 of 141 in total

Californication Quotes

She's the kind of girl a guy meets when he's too young and he fucks up because there's too much looting left to do.

Tyler

Welcome to the place where time stands still, where whiskey flows and always will. Your liver never pickles your heart never aches. You can fuck till your dick is cunt-ent.

Lou