You are going to enchant an entire generation of teenage boys with those pound puppies.

Oh I'm sorry. Turns out I'm quite the Fruit Ninja.

That's what happens in a relationship, you stop caring. The next thing you know the sex is sporadic, the blow job's bi-annual and ass play is out of the question.

Page one, why the fuck are you fading in?

Becca: Sometimes I think you wish I stayed some asexual little goth muppet creature forever.
Hank: You say that like it's a bad thing.

You know what they say? Whatever doesn't kill us makes us even more annoying.

Hank: That's it? You're just gonna stand by your man?
Karen: That's what I do.

Richard: I gotta come clean Hank, she's been through too much. No offense.
Hank: Some taken.

Holly: I shook my money maker to an entire album form him, Guns N' Roses, "Appetite".
Hank: Great album.
Holly: The best! I lost my cherry to it, front and back.

Come on back to bed. Let's californicate.

Hank: I love L.A. I love it! I said it, I meant it, I'm here to represent it.
Karen: Who are you right now?
Hank: I don't know.

Hank: You wanna come down and put some clothes on before the law gets here?
Bates: No, nah, nonsense , I'm tucked. You know I was just telling Karen I used to fuck guys like Tyler back in prison. Did I ever tell you about the year I spent behind bars?

Californication Quotes

I feel like the good lord himself picked me up with his bare hands, laid me down on a bed of rusty nails, pinned my ankles behind my ears and just stuck it in. No Vaseline no lube no nothin. Not even a little spittle. That mother fu-ker just took his Darth Vader helmet, that big Darth Vader helmet and just rammed it home. He wrecked my pretty little virgin a--hole, my sweet little brown bud. Pulled out, came on my t-ts, wiped his di-k on the curtains and left me for dead. That's just me. How bout you guys?

Hank

Nobody likes you. You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile, you f--cking douche!

Hank Moody