The Simpsons
Sundays 8:00 PM on FOXHomer Simpson Quotes
Look at me, guys! I'm stealing five Segways at once. And speaking of segue ways, I'm off to my next morally questionable activity.
Homer: Burns stiffed us!
Moe: I can't believe he acted completely in character!
Marge: Homer, I think you dominoed this.
Homer: That's ridiculous. If I had set up those dominoes I'd be wearing my special domino-setting-up knee pads.
(lifts pant legs to reveal he's wearing Dominex knee pads)
We're not thieves. We're scavengers. Like the beautiful vulture, or the heroic tapeworm, or America's sweetheart, the maggot.
Homer: I can't wait for my first fire. Is that one?
Lisa: That's just someone barbecuing.
Homer: Is that one?
Bart: That's a guy with red hair.
Homer: Look, we're just gonna take our mattress, do a quick sweep of the medicine chest and we're outta here. (Does a sneaking effect sound of a high-hat cymbal.)
Marge: Homer!
Homer: (Stops hi-hat effect) Sorry.
The Lovejoys? If this is about me drinking that holy water, lemme tell you, I had had, like, a million Doritos. You know the ones with the flame on the bag? Oho, that bag ain't lyin'.
Ghost Homer: You want to have ghost sex?
Ghost Marge: I keep telling you, ghost sex is nothing! It's worse than nothing!
Ghost Homer: Then why were you moaning last time?
Ghost Marge: Because I'm a GHOST! Whooooo!
Ghost Homer: Aahhh! A ghost!
(Homer and Marge are having difficulty "snuggling")
Homer: Something has changed, but I can't figure out what. (gasps) Our mattress! I traded it to the Lovejoys!
Marge: You traded our mattress? I had my secret cash in it!
Homer: Oh, that's long gone, baby, long gone. (shows her a bling necklace with "Mattress $$$" spelled out in gold and diamonds) It was made for Elvis, but he found it tacky.
Reverend Lovejoy: I have a friend, I mean, a friend of a friend...
Homer: (Very loudly) Sex problem, eh?
Marge: You really want to make love on half a mattress behind a billboard?
Homer: It's like our honeymoon all over again! Aw, we even have the same bum looking at us.
Bum: I knew you kids would make it! (poking Homer's stomach) Man, you got fat.
Marge: Reverend Lovejoy, our marriage needs this bed!
Helen Lovejoy: Our marriage needs it more!
Rev. Lovejoy: Well, I am reminded of the story of wise King Solomon.
Homer: Pfft. You would be.
