The Big Bang Theory

Thursdays 8:00 PM on CBS
The big bang theory
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Someday, when you have varicose veins, I'll show you how to massage them.

Penny: God, he's an ass when he drinks.
Wolowitz: He's an ass he doesn't. You just don't hear it.

Oh look! It's Leonard and R2-D-bag.

Raj: You slipped and fell into a robot hand?
Wolowitz: Yes.
Raj: Penis first?
Wolowitz: Yes. Now help me!
Leonard: I'd suggest a lubricant, but I have a feeling you fell on some of that as well.

Sheldon: Amy pointed out that, between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of producing the first in a line of intellectually superior, benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.
Wolowitz: I'm guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.

Wolowitz: Okay, what if I were to tell you, tomorrow at 4:30, you could meet a woman who has been scientifically chosen to be your perfect mate?
Sheldon: I would snort with derision and throw my arms in the air, exhausted by your constant tomfoolery.

Leonard: Is that your dad?
Wolowitz: If she grows any more hair on her face, yes.

Raj: Do you think you'll go to hell for eating sweet and sour pork?
Wolowitz: Jews don't have Hell. We have acid reflux.

Raj: Ahh, the premature I love you.
Wolowitz: : I guessed premature, does that count?

What did you do, Romeo? Did you pour maple syrup all over your body and ask her if she was in the mood for a short stack?

Wolowitz: Why is Leonard being a giant douche? That is, assuming, of course that giant douches are possible.
Sheldon: Of course they are -- Leonard's being one.

Wolowitz: Okay forgot giant ants. How about giant rabbits?
Raj: Big or small, I don't like rabbits. They always look like they're about to say something, but they never do.
Sheldon: Rabbits do have a respiratory system that would support great size. And as a side note, they are one of the few animals whose scrotum is on the front of the penis.
Raj: Maybe that's what they want to talk about.

Displaying quotes 205 - 216 of 323 in total

TBBT Quotes

Penny: Here's a question-- as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy?
Sheldon: There are post-prom mating rituals?
Penny: Not always. Unless your date drives a van with an air mattress, then always.
Sheldon: Well, if it's part of the prom experience, then I'm open to it.
Penny: You're kidding.
Sheldon: I may be an alien, but I have urges.If Amy wants to copulate by firing her eggs into space, well, then, I will happily catch them with the reproductive sac on my upper flermin. I'm not the best at reading facial cues, but I can see that you're a little turned on.

Sheldon: Ugh! English pudding. Y-You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I'm not going.
Amy: You're going.
Sheldon: Why do you hate me?
Amy: I don't hate you. I love you.
Sheldon: Well, you call it love, but it has a lot of raisins in it.