I was once robbed by a pre-op transsexual on J-Date and that didn't even crack my top ten.

Wolowitz: I took a scuba diving course over the summer, but it turns out I'm terrified of the ocean.
Bernadette: That's too bad.
Wolowitz: You wouldn't know anybody who wants to buy a wet suit? Boy's large?

Wolowitz: Why do you even want this here? Its size is completely disproportionate to its purpose!
Raj: Considering its purpose was to piss you off, I'd say it's spot on.

Wolowitz: Would you have opened the door if you knew it was me?
Penny: Not since I found out the teddy bear you gave me had a webcam in it.

Wolowitz: I love watching Raj and Sheldon try to work together.
Leonard: Yeah, it's like if Alien and Predator decided to go partners in a Jamba Juice.

Leonard: So, this is nice. First time we've all gotten together to eat.
Amy (to Sheldon): You're right. He's a festival of humdrum chitchat.
Leonard: Okay, that's all I got. Howard, you're up.
Wolowitz: Um, tell us about your work, Amy.
Amy: I doubt you'd understand. Sheldon tells me you only have a master's degree.
Wolowitz: Raj, do you have any questions for Amy?

Wolowitz: Women, huh? Can't live with 'em; can't successfully refute their hypotheses.
Sheldon: Amen to that.

Someday, when you have varicose veins, I'll show you how to massage them.

Penny: God, he's an ass when he drinks.
Wolowitz: He's an ass he doesn't. You just don't hear it.

Oh look! It's Leonard and R2-D-bag.

Raj: You slipped and fell into a robot hand?
Wolowitz: Yes.
Raj: Penis first?
Wolowitz: Yes. Now help me!
Leonard: I'd suggest a lubricant, but I have a feeling you fell on some of that as well.

Sheldon: Amy pointed out that, between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of producing the first in a line of intellectually superior, benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.
Wolowitz: I'm guessing that future historians will condemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.

TBBT Quotes

Mrs. Cooper: Shelly! I'm so glad you're here!
Sheldon: I saw you having naked sex.

Penny: Here's a question-- as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy?
Sheldon: There are post-prom mating rituals?
Penny: Not always. Unless your date drives a van with an air mattress, then always.
Sheldon: Well, if it's part of the prom experience, then I'm open to it.
Penny: You're kidding.
Sheldon: I may be an alien, but I have urges.If Amy wants to copulate by firing her eggs into space, well, then, I will happily catch them with the reproductive sac on my upper flermin. I'm not the best at reading facial cues, but I can see that you're a little turned on.