Now, the old Jay would have said, 'I wanted to be on a lake with a fishing rod and sunshine. Not bobbing around at night in a swimming pool.' I miss the old Jay.

Twelve times a year I get sausages, that's it. Now what am I going to do until June?

Jay: Sausage-of-the-month club really nailed it in May, but honey, no offense, they almost lost me last month with that chorizo.
Gloria: Why no offense? It's a sausage, it's not on our flag.

Gloria: He thought we were gonna use it all the time, but I keep hitting my boobs with my knees.
Jay: Champagne problems, right?

Jay: This is embarrassing...
Gloria: For the both of us.

Jay: I had botox.
Gloria: Like the ladies use for their wrinkles?

Mitchell: This morning, Cam, fully dressed....
Jay: Thank god it's one of those stories.

Jay: How much longer do I have to listen to the Julia Child impression?
Phil: For as long as it's still funny.
Jay: I think the timer just went off on that.

Phil: It's the 21st century. You should get a pair.
Jay: I was gonna suggest the same thing.

Manny: If I'm sick, I might get the chaperone sick. And without the chaperone, it's anarchy! The buddy system falls apart; the principal of last-in, first-out is ignored.
Jay: It's butterflies.
Manny: Where?

Jay: Want some coffee?
Manny: Say yes. It's french press. I was doubtful too, but I honestly can't see myself going back to drip.

Gloria: Where I come from, brothers respect each other.
Jay: That's why Colombia is such a peaceful country.

Modern Family Quotes

Manny: Does this feel like a short visit to you, or a long one?
Jay: The pregnant one brought a stroller.

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.