Jay: How much longer do I have to listen to the Julia Child impression?
Phil: For as long as it's still funny.
Jay: I think the timer just went off on that.

Phil: It's the 21st century. You should get a pair.
Jay: I was gonna suggest the same thing.

Manny: If I'm sick, I might get the chaperone sick. And without the chaperone, it's anarchy! The buddy system falls apart; the principal of last-in, first-out is ignored.
Jay: It's butterflies.
Manny: Where?

Jay: Want some coffee?
Manny: Say yes. It's french press. I was doubtful too, but I honestly can't see myself going back to drip.

Gloria: Where I come from, brothers respect each other.
Jay: That's why Colombia is such a peaceful country.

I'm gonna walk like a man... right to that bar. That would be hilarious if you were familiar with Frankie Valli.

Manny: Hump day, am I right, Jay?
Jay: Your day ends at 2:30.

I was drunk, I'm not going shopping with Priscilla Queen of the Desert.

Manny: I made a reference to The Wiggles and it went right over her head.
Jay: I don't know what that means.
Manny: It's an expression. It means she didn't get it.

Gloria: Tell them we don't want our bodies inside these drawers where God cannot find us.
Jay: These aren't like our drawers at home. People can find stuff here.

There's enough not to like about death without adding dirt and worms.

Manny: Jay, haven't you noticed the spring in my step?
Jay: Oh, kids say cruel things, that doesn't mean you'll turn out that way.
Manny: No, we have something in common. I'm seeing a younger woman.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

[Singing] You are not the man you used to be. You get up four times at night to pee. Ba da dum da dum tat ta ta ta. You're super duper old now.

Phil