Jay: I don't know what they do in Columbia.
Gloria: No one does and don't ask.

First of all, that lady is my son.

Remember that time I told you I couldn't make your figure skating competition because I was stuck at work? By stuck I meant drunk and by work I meant the golf course!

Isn't it enough this family spends a lot of time together? Now we have to inbreed?

Stop acting like I'm some staunchy old coot! I've grown.

I can't express to you how badly this kid needs football.

You came out of the womb like that. I'm not entirely sure there wasn't a twin in there that you bumped off.

Sometimes the best thing to do in a race to the top is grease the pole behind you.

This is a lot of hocus pocus, I can't believe I bought a coffee cake over this!!!

Hey what do you say we cut our losses? Let's go out to a nice Chinese restaurant and have a traditional Jewish Christmas.

Cam: Why so much tape Jay?
Jay: Why are you wearing a sweater when it's 95 degrees out?
Cam: It's my Christmas sweater!
Jay: Based on those stains, you are the Christmas sweater.

You two needed time with your mom, I've already served time with your mom.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

You're like a mob wife. You complain about what I do, but have no problem wearing the fur that fell off the back of the truck.

Mitchell