Isn't it enough this family spends a lot of time together? Now we have to inbreed?

Stop acting like I'm some staunchy old coot! I've grown.

I can't express to you how badly this kid needs football.

You came out of the womb like that. I'm not entirely sure there wasn't a twin in there that you bumped off.

Sometimes the best thing to do in a race to the top is grease the pole behind you.

This is a lot of hocus pocus, I can't believe I bought a coffee cake over this!!!

Hey what do you say we cut our losses? Let's go out to a nice Chinese restaurant and have a traditional Jewish Christmas.

Cam: Why so much tape Jay?
Jay: Why are you wearing a sweater when it's 95 degrees out?
Cam: It's my Christmas sweater!
Jay: Based on those stains, you are the Christmas sweater.

You two needed time with your mom, I've already served time with your mom.

Jay: If you told him the truth he'd thank you later.
Gloria: Like Claire and Mitch, did they thank you?
Jay: Not yet, but it's coming.

The pain must've been bad if I accepted Phil's help.

I can't take another farm story.