Manny: I don't like the sound of that. A lot of amenities disappear when an H turns into an M!
Jay: Hey when I met you, you were eating cereal out of a bucket.

How do I say this without sounding like an ass? I'm kind of a legend to these guys.

Jay: I don't know what they do in Columbia.
Gloria: No one does and don't ask.

First of all, that lady is my son.

Remember that time I told you I couldn't make your figure skating competition because I was stuck at work? By stuck I meant drunk and by work I meant the golf course!

Isn't it enough this family spends a lot of time together? Now we have to inbreed?

Stop acting like I'm some staunchy old coot! I've grown.

I can't express to you how badly this kid needs football.

You came out of the womb like that. I'm not entirely sure there wasn't a twin in there that you bumped off.

Sometimes the best thing to do in a race to the top is grease the pole behind you.

This is a lot of hocus pocus, I can't believe I bought a coffee cake over this!!!

Hey what do you say we cut our losses? Let's go out to a nice Chinese restaurant and have a traditional Jewish Christmas.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.


I'm sort of like Costco. I'm big, I'm not fancy and I dare you to not like me.