This whole persnickety thing is not gonna fly in the world. Never hand people another reason to make fun of you.

Gloria: I don't eat anything unless I know what's in it.
Jay: I've once seen this woman scarf down a pig's nose.

It's a good time to tell you I dropped Luke on his head when he was one.

Mitchell: This is how Cam's dad sees me, like some fawning damsel.
Jay: If anything, Cam's the damsel.
Mitchell: Dad! Thanks.

Back in Vietnam I had Hepatitis, still managed to cook Thanksgiving dinner for 300 soldiers. I think I can handle sauce.

Mitchell: You sound just like the kid who bullied me into smoking my first cigarette.
Claire: Maybe this time you won't tell on me.

Wait they're allowed up there? They're wearing dungarees!

Nice robe, like Hef back in the day. I'm gonna cut to the chase. I like your lifestyle, I want a taste of it.

Hey luxury bathroom, it's me lowly closet. Watch your back.

You know what a lot of girls don't do? Guys who take ceramics.

Trust me, when I get done talking to her not only will she have confessed to the crime, I might even sell her a closet.

Gloria: Some people you turn your back for one second and they have another family from the bad side of town.
Jay: You ARE my other family from the bad side of town.

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

It's a body spray called Sex Grenade. One of the divorced dad's in the hotel recommended it.

Luke