Jerry Seinfeld Quotes
How late are the stores open? I'm thinking of maybe of buying a new TV and smash it over my head.
So I move into the center lane, now I get ahead of this women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me the finger. It seems like such an arbitrary, ridiculous thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person. It's a finger, what does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and I'm supposed to feel bad. Is that the way it's supposed to work? I mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the finger. 'Cause it's not easy to give someone the toe, you've gotta get the shoe off, the sock off and drive, get it up and (Jerry pretends to drive with one foot in the air, giving the toe.) "Look at that toe, buddy." (He puts his foot down.) I mean, that's really insulting to get the toe, isn't it?
Policeman: Let's see, that's uh, one TV, a stereo, one leather jacket, a VCR and a computer is that 'bout it?
Elaine: Answering machine.
Jerry: Answering machine. Oh, I hate the idea of someone out there returning my calls.
Policeman: Well, Mr. Seinfeld, we'll look into it and, uh, we'll let you know if we find anything.
Jerry: Do you ever find anything?
This is what I like, see? You come home and your parents are in your bed!
Y'know I think that even if you've had a relationship with someone, or let's say, especially if you've had a relationship with someone and you try to become friends afterwards, it's very difficult. Isn't this? It's hard. Because, you know each other so well, you know all of each others tricks. It's like two magicians, trying to entertain each other. The one goes, "Look, a rabbit". The other goes, "So? ... I believe this is your card".
"Look, why don't we just saw each other in half and call it a night? Okay?"
Jerry: Wait a second That's her on the right.
George: I forgot who I am! Who am I?!
Jerry: You're you. We're having lunch with Art Corvelay.
George: Let me be the architect, I can do it!
Jerry: Art Core?
(opening bit) I think to a man, a cheque is like a note from your mother that says "I don't have any money, but if you'll contact these people, I'm sure they'll stick up for me... If you just trust me this one time I don't have any money but I have these... I wrote on these... is this of any value at all?
Jerry: So, do you date immature men?
Vanessa: Almost exclusively.
Jerry: What's that one?
Elaine: "Cocoon II: The Return". I guess they didn't like it up there
Jerry: Maybe they came back for Chinese food. Y'know Maureen Stapleton, if she gets a craving, she's probably screaming at those aliens, "I gotta have a Lo Mein!"
Elaine: What do you think their parents think?
Jerry: "So, uh, what's your son doing now, Dr. Stevens?" "Oh, he's a public fornicator. Yes, he's a fine boy."