Sarah: Do you and my Dad ever dry-lump?
Jess: Uhhh..
Sarah: Have you ever done a 99?
Jess: I think that's a tax form?
Sarah: Have you ever given anyone a plow job?
Jess: I don't know....do you want to learn how to play Bridge?

Sorry. I've never heard you talk about your ex wife, and I got really nervous, and I tried to flirt information out of you.

Actually, I don't trust what "cool" means to all of you, so how about just " be normal".

You've all thought about me while self-completing!?

Guess what you guys? My shoes are filled with blood!

What's going on? Why is the cast of The Social Network in our apartment?

I would have lasted two seconds in the court of the sun king. I think about that all the time.

Jess: You've always wanted a thing, so maybe this is your thing. The guy with no phone.
Nick: But who is that guy!?

Do you have like a box of charity phones you're sending to Africa? Can he just have one of those?

Do you remember when you got yourself off to An Inconvenient Truth? Or dressed up as Shia LaBeouf from Wall Street 2? Or said that jazz music was America's greatest mistake?

New Girl Quotes

Schmidt: Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?
Jess [in a British accent]: Probably the slut butler, right!

I feel like I wanna murder someone and also I want soft pretzels.

Jess