I don't know the words!

Jess: You're too late. I'm in love. With Winston.
Winston: You know, it just got stuck up there so far, so quickly.

He's talking to a woman with a sexuality I won't jump to conclusions about.

Winston: The phone?
Jess: I don't know...looks like a meth-head sandwich to me!

Winston: There are parts of my butt that only a tub can clean.
Jess: Ew, but okay!

Jess: You care about burritos more than my children?
Nick: You're putting me in a tough spot right now!

Jess: What's the secret?
Sadie: It's about love, understanding and two sets of boobs!

Jess: I just want to warn you guys that my mom's a little bit perky.
Winston: Wait, you think she's perky?
Jess: Well, she doesn't have my dark side. I got that from my dad.

Jess: Now, if you'll excuse me gentleman, I'm going to go get a job — like it's my...
Schmidt: Job?
Jess: SHUT UP!

If any of you cross me, I'm gonna kick the testicles clean off your bodies! Clean off! You'll look like Ken dolls down there!

No! PMS is mine! Stop stealing my stuff, Winston.

I was sabotaged by my baby box, which means I will never trust anything that comes out of it.

New Girl Quotes

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick

Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Schmidt