Jess Day Quotes
Jess: I had the best sex of my life last night.
Nick: Oh so that was you? I thought it was a couple bums fighting.
Jess: It wasn't. It was me. Having sex. I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, came back down. I became a werewolf, I scared some teenagers. I came back into my body. Only thing is, he thinks my name is Katie and that I'm a dancer and/or something involving puppets.
Sam: Hi - are you Katie? I'm Sam from CupidMatch.
Jess: And I'm the girl from my dreams of you.
Jess: I got laid off.
Nick: Are you serious?
I panicked and I grabbed the hat. I should have grabbed the yoyo or the slap bracelet and now all I have is this stupid hat.
Jess: I thought we talked about you not wearing your shower diaper in the kitchen!
Schmidt: Excuse me? Do you think this has been easy? To wash myself wearing a penis cast all summer?
How's the new apartment? Does it smell like new paint and compromise?
What's wrong? You're stress-eating meat.
Paul is the all-time worst crier. It's like a slow motion sneeze.
Paul: Now I know what Bill Clinton feels like!
Jess: Now I know what Monica Lewinsky feels like!
Paul: I'm sorry I made you feel like Monica Lewinsky!
Jess: Nick put on some pants or at least some really high socks.
Nick: Really high socks it is then!
Sarah: Do you and my Dad ever dry-lump?
Sarah: Have you ever done a 99?
Jess: I think that's a tax form?
Sarah: Have you ever given anyone a plow job?
Jess: I don't know....do you want to learn how to play Bridge?
Sorry. I've never heard you talk about your ex wife, and I got really nervous, and I tried to flirt information out of you.