Jess: But I need like a backstory, like why am I mad at the can?
Angie: The can is your ex-boyfriend and he did not respect your space and thought that your arts and crafts section of your house was ridiculous.
Jess: What?!
Angie: Yeah, enough?

You're dating a stripper, I'm dating a tall handsome doctor. We're kinda living the dream.

I don't know the words!

Jess: You're too late. I'm in love. With Winston.
Winston: You know, it just got stuck up there so far, so quickly.

He's talking to a woman with a sexuality I won't jump to conclusions about.

Winston: The phone?
Jess: I don't know...looks like a meth-head sandwich to me!

Winston: There are parts of my butt that only a tub can clean.
Jess: Ew, but okay!

Jess: You care about burritos more than my children?
Nick: You're putting me in a tough spot right now!

Jess: What's the secret?
Sadie: It's about love, understanding and two sets of boobs!

Jess: I just want to warn you guys that my mom's a little bit perky.
Winston: Wait, you think she's perky?
Jess: Well, she doesn't have my dark side. I got that from my dad.

Jess: Now, if you'll excuse me gentleman, I'm going to go get a job — like it's my...
Schmidt: Job?
Jess: SHUT UP!

If any of you cross me, I'm gonna kick the testicles clean off your bodies! Clean off! You'll look like Ken dolls down there!