South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralJesus Quotes
Vengeance is mine!
Jesus Christ!
</i> Jesus
Jesus: We need to know how to kill a giant stone Abraham Lincoln.
Moses: Um, let me think, um... A giant stone John Wilkes Booth?
(Stan asking Jesus for help with defeating Blaine)
Jesus: The miracle I'm most famous for is turning water into wine.
Stan: Can you do it again?
Jesus: Very well. I shall perform the miracle. Behold, here you can see ordinary water, clear, clean. Okay now turn around.
(Stan surprised)
Turn around.
(Stan turns around and Jesus replaces the jug of water on the table with a jug of wine)
It is now wine!
Stan: That's it? That's how you did that trick?
Jesus: Uh, well, yeah.
Stan: That trick sucks Jesus.
Jesus: Oh, I guess it worked a little better on people 2,000 years ago.
Jesus: Yea, take hold of my robe, Stanley, and do not open your eyes.
Stan: (closes his eyes) I am ready.
(scene changes to Jesus and Stan on an airplane, Stan is still holding on to Jesus and closing his eyes)
Jesus: Are you still keeping your eyes closed?
Stan: Yeah.
Jesus: Good. Want some peanuts?
Blaine: Damn you, Super Best Friends!
Jesus: Your magic is no match for our powers combined, Blaine!
Blaine: (gets in a rocket) Then I guess you win this time, Super Best Fools! But I'll be back! (launches the rocket and flies in the sky)
Jesus: Damnit!
Buddha: It's alright. Everything is as it should be.
Jesus: Oh, shut up, Buddha!
I guess maybe Tom Cruise likes Sea Man.
Let's hope to Christ this works.
On the super best friend power cycles! (Segways)
Joseph Smith: Boys you need to understand that people get very offended when Muhammad is mocked because he's a religious figure.
Jesus: Buddha! Don't do coke in front of kids!
Jesus: But Eric, I think this time I have to teach you a lesson! I'm sending you somewhere to think about your sins!
Cartman: You're gonna send me to hell?
Jesus: No. Worse!
(Ensenada, Mexico, day. Mariachi music plays in the background. A tour bus stops in front of Papas and Beer and drops Cartman off, then pulls away.)
Kenny: (rushes up to him) Eric! Eric!
Cartman: (sees Kenny) Aw, crap!
Jesus: Father, everyone is starting to pay attention to me again because of the new millennium. I-I'm kinda making a comeback!
God: Yea, like John Travolta before you, you are experiencing a second revival.
