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Michael: You know there's no easy way to do this. I say we add 1.5 percent to their paychecks and don't say anything about it.
Jim: Do you mean like, break in in the middle of the night and change the numbers on payroll?
Michael: No, we can do it during the day. It doesn't have to be that dramatic, Jim.

Michael: You know what eats a large amount of the day? Naps. You go to sleep it's light out, you wake up it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.
Jim: You mean on a weekend.
Michael: [pause] Yes.

Jim: Yesterday, we had a meeting about planets.
Michael: Mmm. Well to be fair, Jim... James. Jimothy? [Jim nods] To be fair, Jimothy, ah that sounds weird. Are you okay with being called Jim?
Jim: I am.
Michael: Alright. Jim, to be fair, the conversation wasn't about planets. At first we were talking about introducing a line of toilet paper. And what part of the human body does one use toilet paper upon? So you draw a line from there to the other planets... and I think by the end we learned a little bit about how small we are.
Jim: Yes, I agree, and-
Michael: Because it's a big universe and we're all just little tiny specks, of dust.

I tried to keep Michael in the dark. I should have realized he can do just as much damage in the dark.

Jim: I didn't tell Michael because I thought he'd try to help. Example: He handed out jello shots at the 23rd mile of the Steamtown Marathon.

Michael: [talking loudly on cell phone] Uh huh, well if he doesn't like it, he can tell that SOB that he is fired. Sorry I'm going into a meeting right now. I love you too. Bye.
Jim: Who was that?

This is parkour. Internet sensation of 2004. And it was in one of the Bond films. It's pretty impressive. The goal is to get from point A to point B as creatively as possible so technically they are doing parkour, as long as point A is delusion and point B is the hospital.

Pam: We haven't told anyone that I'm pregnant.
Jim: Well with her being unmarried. Knocked up by some guy... The yackety yacks in this office would have a field day.
Pam: And we don't want them at the wedding thinking Jim's being marched down the aisle by my dad with a shotgun.
Jim: Wait there's not going to be a shotgun?

Michael: Did you pee on a stick?
Jim: I did. It was inconclusive.

Michael: The one true rumor ... and this it going to ruin this person's life, is that-
Jim: Pam's pregnant!
Kevin: I knew it! At first, I thought, 'Oh, Pam's breasts are a little bit bigger. She must have gotten a new bra with padding. But then I thought, Pam doesn't NEED padding.' It just didn't add up, Jim.
Jim: Okay. Thanks.
Dwight: Who's the father?
Pam: Jim.
Creed: Who's the OB-GYN?

Jim: You gotta figure this out.
Andy: How?
Jim: Have sex with a woman.
Andy: Oh, yeah!
Jim: Then a man. Then compare.

Andy: [on gay rumors] For the record I prefer women, but off the record, I'm kinda confused.
Jim: Really.
Andy: The evidences are stacked against me.

Displaying quotes 121 - 132 of 442 in total

The Office Quotes

I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.


Sometimes I'll start a sentence, and I don't even know where it's going. I just hope I find it along the way. Like an improv conversation. An improversation.