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Michael: You know there's no easy way to do this. I say we add 1.5 percent to their paychecks and don't say anything about it.
Jim: Do you mean like, break in in the middle of the night and change the numbers on payroll?
Michael: No, we can do it during the day. It doesn't have to be that dramatic, Jim.

Michael: You know what eats a large amount of the day? Naps. You go to sleep it's light out, you wake up it's dark. That's the whole day. Where did that day go? I have no idea.
Jim: You mean on a weekend.
Michael: [pause] Yes.

Jim: Yesterday, we had a meeting about planets.
Michael: Mmm. Well to be fair, Jim... James. Jimothy? [Jim nods] To be fair, Jimothy, ah that sounds weird. Are you okay with being called Jim?
Jim: I am.
Michael: Alright. Jim, to be fair, the conversation wasn't about planets. At first we were talking about introducing a line of toilet paper. And what part of the human body does one use toilet paper upon? So you draw a line from there to the other planets... and I think by the end we learned a little bit about how small we are.
Jim: Yes, I agree, and-
Michael: Because it's a big universe and we're all just little tiny specks, of dust.

I tried to keep Michael in the dark. I should have realized he can do just as much damage in the dark.

Jim: I didn't tell Michael because I thought he'd try to help. Example: He handed out jello shots at the 23rd mile of the Steamtown Marathon.

Michael: [talking loudly on cell phone] Uh huh, well if he doesn't like it, he can tell that SOB that he is fired. Sorry I'm going into a meeting right now. I love you too. Bye.
Jim: Who was that?

This is parkour. Internet sensation of 2004. And it was in one of the Bond films. It's pretty impressive. The goal is to get from point A to point B as creatively as possible so technically they are doing parkour, as long as point A is delusion and point B is the hospital.

Pam: We haven't told anyone that I'm pregnant.
Jim: Well with her being unmarried. Knocked up by some guy... The yackety yacks in this office would have a field day.
Pam: And we don't want them at the wedding thinking Jim's being marched down the aisle by my dad with a shotgun.
Jim: Wait there's not going to be a shotgun?

Michael: Did you pee on a stick?
Jim: I did. It was inconclusive.

Michael: The one true rumor ... and this it going to ruin this person's life, is that-
Jim: Pam's pregnant!
Kevin: I knew it! At first, I thought, 'Oh, Pam's breasts are a little bit bigger. She must have gotten a new bra with padding. But then I thought, Pam doesn't NEED padding.' It just didn't add up, Jim.
Jim: Okay. Thanks.
Dwight: Who's the father?
Pam: Jim.
Creed: Who's the OB-GYN?

Jim: You gotta figure this out.
Andy: How?
Jim: Have sex with a woman.
Andy: Oh, yeah!
Jim: Then a man. Then compare.

Andy: [on gay rumors] For the record I prefer women, but off the record, I'm kinda confused.
Jim: Really.
Andy: The evidences are stacked against me.

Displaying quotes 121 - 132 of 442 in total

The Office Quotes

In the end, the greatest snowball isn't a snowball at all...it's fear. Merry Christmas.

Dwight

Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

Michael