Jim Halpert Quotes
Kelly: My boyfriend dumped me, so, I stole his boat. I mean, he told me it was his boat. It was actually his father's. And I just thought it'd be really romantic, like 'Thelma and Louise,' but with, like, a boat. And it was the worst year of my life. And I can't believe that you guys are making me talk about this on my birthday!
Dwight: I thought you said yesterday was your birthday!
Jim: Hey, you know what? I got you a cake.
Jim: Hey, Dwight, sounds like she was 14, so maybe we wanna go a little easy.
Dwight: Yeah, if she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to follow the law.
Dwight: What did you do?
Kelly: Stop yelling at me!
Dwight: What did you do?
Kelly: I didn't do anything!
Dwight: What did you learn in there? I bet you learned things, huh? Like how to fashion a shiv, hmm?
Jim: Hey! What the hell's goin' on?
Dwight: Why don't you tell Jim where you were from ages 14 to 15.
Kelly: I was kickin' it.
Dwight: In juvie.
Jim: What?
Dwight: Juvie... nile... Detention Center. Where they send teenagers!
Jim: We just wanted to say we are very sorry.
Kelly: Screw you guys. You're dead to me.
Dwight: If you say screw you one more time...
Kelly: Yeah, screw you, beefer, I don't forget your birthday, I would never do that.
Dwight: Hey, HEY.
Dwight: ... there was a problem with having one head of the party planning committee. She becomes too powerful, so he appointed two heads.
Jim: Party planning is literally the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life.
Dwight: I am a paper salesman, this is humiliating.
Jim: Hey, Kelly.
Kelly: Screw you.
Dwight: Excuse me, that is no way to address a superior.
Kelly: Oh yeah? Screw you too.
Jim: Whoa! What was that all about.
Phyllis: You forgot her birthday, it was yesterday.
Jim: Several times a day, Michael says words that are way beyond my vocabulary.
Michael: I know where this is goin'.
Jim: Do ya?
Michael: No.
Jim: Ok. Remember Spider face?
Michael: No.
Jim: OK. 'Cause the quote was, cut off your nose to spiderface.
Michael: Spite her - okay.
Jim: Yeah.
Dwight: Attention everyone, I just got a text from Michael. He says personnel day. Are we hiring?
Jim: Yep. You're being replaced.
Pam: I think he meant personal day.
Dwight: Oh, that's quite a leap Pam.
Phyllis: I hope he's ok, I feel bad.
Creed: Give it up, he's dead.
Jim: He just sent a text.
Creed: What's a text?
Red Cross woman: Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of one hundred beats per minute.
Michael: Ohhhkay that's, uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour?
Jim: How's that going to help you?
Michael: I'll divide and then count to it.
Jim: Right.
Pam: We don't normally download films illegally. Because we're honest hard-working people.
Jim: And we don't know how.
Pam: But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him.
Jim: Punishment fits the crime.
Michael: Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure, he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret?
Dwight: I have.
Michael: Let's hear it.
Dwight: [unfolds piece of paper] I state my regret.
Jim: You couldn't have memorized that?
Dwight: I could not because I do not feel it.
Kevin: Ladies and gentlemen, even though the penis was fake, I was expecting a second plot twist where we found out Hilary Swank was a boy.
Pam: Kevin!
Angela: Okay, I wasn't going to dignify this discussion by getting involved, but I don't even get the discussion, hot is a temperature people. But Kevin deserves to lose for what he said, so, yes, she's hot, she's hot as heck, she's a female Boris Becker.
Jim: OH!
