South Park
Wednesdays 10:00 PM on Comedy CentralFavorite Jimbo Kern Quotes
Randy: That word's kind of getting old. It's not really funny anymore.
Man: Yeah, they're gonna have to come up with a new swear word now.
Mr. Garrison: Well, they can't use "fag." Because you can't say "fag" unless you're a homosexual.
Randy: Really? So we can't say (bleep)?
Mr. Garrison: No. See, you got beeped.
Man: You mean you have to be a (bleep) to say (bleep)?
Mr. Garrison: That's right.
Jimbo: Hell, that's not fair! I should be able to say "fag."
Randy: Hey, you didn't get beeped.
Jimbo: Uh, oh.
Mr. Garrison: Well well well! Guess we learned something new about you, Jimbo, you freakin' fag! You wanna make out or something?
Mayor McDaniels: (to Jimbo and Chef) Gentlemen, I understand you are here to present both sides of an issue. I want to hear you both out and do this in a civil and constructive manner, so I can give you both the time and attention you deserve. Jimbo why don't you begin.
Jimbo: Mayor, it's about the South Park flag
Mayor McDaniels: Oh Jesus Christ, not this again.
Kyle: We're sorry for turning Ned into a vegetable.
Jimbo: Ah, he'll be fine. I'll just take him home and show him some good hardcore porn and he'll snap right out if it.
Good job, Ned! Now they won't starve!
</i> Jimbo
Ned: What are we doing here?
Jimbo: Well Ned, we usually kidnap the Middle Park mascot, but this year, we're gonna blow it up!
Jesus: Welcome back. Now, Jimbo, would you please tell me why your nephew do stuff like this to you?
Jimbo: Well, I'll tell you, Jesus... It's because he takes drugs and he worships the devil!
(The people in the audience gasp.)
People in audience: (chanting) Jesus! Jesus!
Jesus: Wow, Stanley! Now your uncle sounds really worried for you!
Stan: Well, I only did it because he... MOLESTED me!
(The people in the audience gasp again.)
Jimbo: Why, you little piece of crap...!
Stan: You big piece of crap!
Cartman: That's it! Now I'm all pissed off! (Cartman throws a chair at Ned) Take that, hippie!
Jimbo: Hey!
Now boys, boys, I, I need to get serious for a minute. I want you to understand a few basic rules of hunting, since this is your first time. First, don't ever walk with your gun unless the safety's on. Second, don't shoot anything that looks human and third, never spill your beer in the bullet chamber.
Uncle Jimbo
Jimbo: What's wrong with you?
Stan: I don't wanna shoot the bunny.
Jimbo: What do you mean you don't wanna shoot the bunny? You're babbling. You're not making any sense. You're hysterical!
Mr. Garrison: Mephisto's been shot!
Chef: Is he dead??
Jimbo: Hey, look! This window has been shot open! That means the killer was not somebody in this room!
Mr. Garrison: Well, then who was it?
Announcer: Who shot Mephisto? Was it: The school counselor? Or was it Ms. Crabtree? Or was it-
Cartman: (interrupting) Hey! Wait a minute! I didn't find out who my father was!
Announcer: (continues) Or was it Mrs. Broflovski?
Jimbo: There's a murderer free in South Park! We have to find out who it is before they kill again!
Mr. Garrison: Yeah, God only knows who they'll kill next!
Announcer: Who will they kill next? Will it be: Jimbo? Officer Barbrady? The Denver Broncos?
Mayor: My God, what a harrowing tale of human drama this is. All of us doing what we must to survive.
Jimbo: It is amazing what people can do under stress. Just look at the pyramids. Nobody knows how they built those. Or who.
Narrator: Who built the pyramids? Was it- the Babylonians? Officer Barbrady? Samaritans?
Jimbo: Alright, so far everyone has a long piece of straw. We'll keep drawing
(Jimbo picks a piece of straw.)
Jimbo: (relieved) Whew!
(Mr. Garrison picks a piece of straw.)
Mr. Garrison: (relieved) Whew!
(Officer Barbrady looks at the last piece of straw in his hands.)
Officer Barbrady: Whew.
Jimbo: Wait a minute! Where the hell is the short one??
Officer Barbrady: The short what?
Jimbo: Damn it, Barbrady! When you draw straws, you're supposed to have one of them short! That's how you decide who loses!
Officer Barbrady: That's not how I played it
Mr. Garrison: Oooh, can we hurry this up? My stomach is growling
