Archer: I thought you were gonna shoot me.

Lana: The day's not over.

Lana: Screw you, Mr My-mother's-a-lying-bitch-and-I'm-too-stupid-to-realize-my-life's-a-pathetic-joke!
Archer: Nice to meet you, Mrs Hello-my-kid's-from-a-sperm-bank-since-I-can't-keep-a-man-because-in-addition-to-my-jillion-neuroses-I-have-a-weird-looking-vagina!

Great, the world's first DSVUI.

Archer: Are you kidding, I didn't even let [Woodhouse] go to his own brother's funeral.
Lana: Was he crushed?
Archer: He probably would have been if I told him about it.

Lana: Thank you for making me carry your bag through customs.
Woodhouse: No, thank you.

Somehow we're in a crazy universe where bonuses are based on merit and not whether you crawled out of your mother.

Lana: Why is there a camera?
Lance: I assume because this restaurant can't hold 3 million viewers

The last time she was in the field they were still using muskets.

Cyril: I only have two eyes and they were looking for hunters.
Lana: Why, is it pumpkin season?
Cyril: Is that a thing?

If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and murders a bunch of its fellow ducks...

Archer: Oh my God!
Lana: What?
Archer: Michael Gray - was Billy Batson on Shazam!

Lana: Have you ever heard of ISIS?
Archer: From the Shazam/Isis Hour TV Show?

Archer Quotes

Cyril: Archer, do something!
Archer: Who am I, Alan Turing? He was also in X-Men, remember?

I swear to god you could drown a toddler in my panties right now.

Pam