Favorite Larry David Quotes
Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire?
Woman: Do you want to apologize to my dog? Because you really yelled at my dog.
Larry: Yeah, it's very hard to apologize to a dog because they're a stupid animal.
My mother had a tattoo on her ass?
Larry: Who do you think has more freedom: the married man in America or the single man in Communist China?
Loretta: LD, do you know what it feels like to have cancer?
Larry: I know what it feels like to be with someone who has cancer.
You're nothing without your health. Some people are nothing even with their health. I fall in that category, sometimes.
Larry: I can't wait to call my parents. They are gonna be so proud of me! When I tell my father I figured out out that navigation system, he's gonna flip his wig! And he's got one too!
Cheryl: Can we turn on the radio?
Larry: Oh, he's gonna be very proud of Larry figuring out the navigation system!
Cheryl: Please.
Larry: "Daddy, I'm not so stupid!"
Larry: Hamster? Put him in a cage and you can torture him a little bit?
Sammy: They're boring.
Larry: But you torture them. It's not boring if you torture them.
Cheryl: Why am I always the one who initiates sex?
Larry: I'm available for sex all the time, basically, so anytime you want to have it, you can have it.
Cheryl: Wow.
Larry: But anytime I want to have it, I can't--just assume that I want it all the time, so whenever you want it, just tap me on the shoulder
I can call you bald. It's like black people calling each other n*gga. Hey baldy. Ya know.
Larry [on Jerry Seinfeld]: He's a eunuch. Yes, his testicles were cut of when he was about 13 because he was in the Beth Shalom choir. And that's what he wanted to be, he was a choirboy.
Phyliss: Julia, is that true? Does he really have no testicles?
Julia: You know, I've got to tell you, I don't have any fuckin' idea
Chocolate pretzels? Get the hell outta here!
