Favorite Larry David Quotes
Larry: (on Antoinette) Her boyfriend broke up with her, and frankly, I'd like to do the same.
Jeff: Why don't you fire her?
Larry: I can't.
Jeff: Why not?
Larry: Because she knows everything about me. She knows my dietary habits. She knows all about my web of lies and bullshit and deceit.
You know I've never actually seen the vagina with my glasses on. I don't really have any idea of what it looks like. It's all a hazy mystery to me
Cheryl: I thought you didn't like talking to people.
Larry: I don't like talking to people I know. Strangers, I don't have a problem with.
Larry: Why don't we just call your doctor?
Cheryl: You can't call my doctor on the weekends, unless it's a life threatening emergency.
Larry: What?
Cheryl: Yeah, if you call his machine, it'll tell you you can't page him.
Larry: You called up and that's what it said?
Cheryl: Yeah.
Larry: That is obscene, you know that? [imitating the doctor] "Can't disturb the doctor on the weekend! Don't call the Dr. Zeppler on the weekend unless it's life-threatening!"
Cheryl: Okay, okay.
Larry: [imitates the doctor's wife] "Norman, is someone calling? Who's calling? We're in the middle of dinner, Norman!"
Cheryl: Larry..
Larry: "This better be life-threatening or you're not gonna leave this house!"
Cheryl: Larry, please. I'm begging you.
Larry: "Norman! Unless they were burned in a fire I don't want you getting up from your chair. Do you understand, Norman?"
Susie: Wandering Elk, whatever the fuck your name is, you were paid already.
Wandering Bear: You don't need to talk like that. You're a better person than that.
Larry: No, she's not.
Cheryl: Why would somebody steal tickets to Monterey?
Larry: Why not? Monterey's a very beautiful place.
Cheryl: Was anything else stolen? Was anything else gone?
Larry: I don't know. I wasn't paying attention.
Cheryl: You know, all our information is on there: our address, our telephone number, ...
Larry: It doesn't matter. He's not going to break into our house. He's going to Monterey
Everything's "heaven" with him. The comment if he had a piece of gum, "I'm in heaven." Had to taste a chocolate bar, "oh, oh, I'm in heaven." The parking space is "heaven."
Betty Dusenberry: This is from the Davids. Oh, a doll.
Larry: It's a mulatto.
Walter: You know what you are? You are a self loathing Jew.
Larry: I do hate myself, but it has nothing to do with being Jewish
Wendy: I want to make one thing very clear. You cannot mention one word of what you know.
Larry: Don't worry. I would never betray you.
Wendy: Thank you.
Larry: You're welcome.
[scene switches to Cheryl and him...]
Larry: She had sex with her grandfather! Then she had sex with her uncles..
Larry: I don't really get this fascination that people have with the ocean.
Cheryl: No?
Larry: I mean, I stare at it for ten minutes, and I go, "Okay, I get it.
Larry: I don't know why you call him an asshole. He's not an asshole, he's just shy.
Cheryl: No, he's not shy. He thinks he's smarter than ever everbody else and he sits there and he judges and he-
Larry: No, he doesn't, he's just shy! You got shy/asshole confusion, my friend.
Cheryl: No, I don't think so.
Larry: Yes, I think so my friend.
