Jerry: Mine just says "get well soon."
Leslie: Aren't you sick?
Jerry: No.
Leslie: ...something's off.

Leslie: "The Time Travelers Optometrist" by Pawnee's own Penelope Foster. A heart-warming story about a caveman eye doctor who travels to present day Cincinnati and can see everything but love. Unreadable. Then Joan slaps her sticker on it: bestseller four years in a row.

Leslie: I have to tell you this feels like Gotcha journalism.
Joan: In what way?
Leslie: That way [points to a picture] you put "Gotcha" on my face.

I am back where I came from!

I'm from Eagleton.

Leslie: You could go to jail. Jail, Ron. Ron, Jail. Jail, Ron, jail. You could go to jail. Jail. Jail. Jail. Jail.
Ron: Are you broken?

Most of these aren't even receipts, like this one says "I bought supplies 2007."

Leslie: Why do you have so many guns?
Tamara: This is America isn't it?
Leslie: Yes.
Tamara: Then I don't have to answer stupid questions while standing on my own property.

Ron: Knope, follow me!
Leslie: Just one second.
Ron: Now!

Leslie: Do you need to get that?
Ann: No, it's just penises.

Waiter: Would you like any wine to start?
Leslie: Yes, and I'm gonna be direct and honest with you, I would like a glass of red wine and I'll take the cheapest one you have because I can't tell the difference.

Ron: What are you doing here?
Leslie: Running away from my problems.
Ron: Come on in.

Parks & Rec Quotes

I may not have won, but at least I didn't make any new friendships.

April [about the beauty pageant]

Time is money, money is power, power is pizza, and pizza is knowledge, let’s go!

April