April: Do you want me to seduce Perd Hapley?
Leslie: How would that help?
April: I don't know. I just want to see if I could do it.
Leslie: April, I appreciate that, but I don't think it's something worth losing your virginity over.

Leslie: Our tree lighting ceremony will be simulcast on Internet radio.
Tom: That's a really big deal.
Leslie: It is. Thank you.
Tom: Listening to that tree lighting's gonna be dop

Leslie: Everyone's going to do Santa for two hours, so I would just advise everyone before you get in your costume to go to the bathroom so we can avoid what happened last year.
Jerry: It was just farts.

For the first time, our tree-lighting ceremony will be simulcast on internet radio.

Leslie: How could there possibly still be glitter on me?
Tom: It takes forever to get off. My crotch looks like a disco ball.

Could you carry him out of here, please? And, you know, also maybe not have sex with his wife.

I don't get men. If they're not wagering their girlfriends in pool, then they're trying to steal each others' wives. It makes you question the whole notion of those bromance movies.

Tom, it's perfectly normal to feel devastated when something is over. That's exactly how I felt when that Planet Earth series ended.

Go crazy, OK? Give my friend here the works. Really grind the sorrow out of him.

Leslie: OK, Tom. Go put these in places I do not approve of.
Tom: Leslie, I'm gonna put these in places you've never heard of.

OK, lap dances are on me. I mean I'm paying for them. They're not gonna actually be on me.

I'm a feminist, OK? I would never ever go to a strip club. I've gone on record that if I had to have a stripper's name, it would be Equality. But I'm willing to sacrifice all that I've worked for just to put a smile on your perverted little face.