Lois Griffin Quotes
(Brian is sitting on the toilet)
Lois: Well, look at you using the toilet. I am so proud of you.
Brian: Hey, well you deserve all the praise for encouraging me to do it.
Lois: Well still, good for you.
(Lois leaves, and Stewie enters)
Stewie: So, where are you really doin' your business?
Brian: Oh, I found a place.
(Scene cuts to Adam West's mansion, he walks near some bushes
Adam West: Well I'll be damned, and they called me crazy; "You can't plant sausage seeds" they said, well look at this!
Peter: I mean, what if I run into that octopus again?
Lois: Peter, that's ridiculous.
Octopus: Ready for round two man? (Peter and Lois look outside. Octopus has a cigarette in one of the tentacles.) I got all day. Hey, is that your wife?
(Peter closes blinds)
Lois: Alright, Peter. Who's it gonna be? Who do you wanna sleep with?
Peter: Ah, who are we kidding, Lois? This is never gonna work. Lets just forget the whole thing.
Lois: No, honey. It's gotta work. Just pick somebody, and I'll make it happen. Deep down, in your heart of hearts, if, if it could be anyone in the world, who would it be? Halle Berry? Ann Margerat?
Peter: Anybody I want?
Lois: Anybody. Don't be afraid to tell me.
Lois: (Uneasily) My mother?
Peter: Hey, Bill. Are you up for a little bowling? I swiped some money out of Lois's purse. I don't think she'll notice because she's here... humping... you!
Lois: Peter! Look, I know this looks bad and I feel horrible, and... and I know nothing I could say to you could possibly justify why I slept with Bill except... I mean, Peter, the man presided over the longest economic expansion in US history and he reduced the percentage of Americans on welfare to its lowest level in 33 years!
Bill Clinton: 35 years.
Lois: 35 years, Peter!
Peter: Well, well. I learned something today. Apparently, there's the side of Bill Clinton the world knows, and then there's the dark, sex crazed side only I know!
Peter: (about having sex with Babs) Lois, I couldn't go through with it.
Lois: But Peter, you have to! For the sake of our marriage!
Peter: Screw our marriage! I love you!
Bill Clinton: All right, are you ready for another round of N.A.F.T.A
Lois Griffin: What does N.A.F.T.A. mean?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon of F****** That Ass!
Lois: Trust me, it'll work better than the first telephone.
Alexander Graham Bell: Well, we did it Watson. What an afternoon. We finally perfected the first telephone.
Thomas Watson: Yeah, uh, hey listen, somebody called me today. Uh, whoever it was, said some very sexual things, very angry, sexual things.
Alexander Graham Bell: Oh, really? Probably just some teenagers somewhere... damn them.
Thomas Watson: Well, well that's, that's the thing. I mean, there's, there's only two phones, in the, well, in the world and one of them is in my office and the other one is in your office and those two didn't even exist until a few hours ago.
Alexander Graham Bell: Yikes, I could use a distraction right now.
Lois: (Enters through front door.) Brian, what is this on my shoe?
Brian: My poop.
Lois: (Takes tissue and wipes shoe.) That's right and it's disgusting. I am sick of you using the front yard as your bathroom. It's time you learn to use the toilet like everyone else.
Stewie: Uh, I'm going to sneeze. I'm going to sneeze. I'm going to sneeze. I'm going to sneeze. (Sneezes on tissue with Brian's poop and looks at it.) Ahhhhh! (Runs away.)
Lois: Glen, we're so thrilled for you.
Brian: Yeah. Guess it didn't take much for you to get your job back, now that you're a hero.
Peter: And I'm so happy, I don't mind that I was raped in a federal prison after being arrested for hijacking!
(The phone rings, Lois answers)
Lois: Hello? Oh, you must have a wrong number, there's no one here by the name of Longrod VonHugendong.
Quagmire: (Incoherent. Motions to Lois that the call is for him)
Lois: Chris, what happening to the couch?
Chris: Dad dragged it out on the lawn because he said "that's what rednecks do!"
Peter: Besides, Quagmire don't even have a job.
Lois: Well you're going to have to help him find one because I'd have enough of him living in this house.
Peter: Eh, you're overreacting Lois and you can't spell overreacting without ovary... 'cause you're a girl.