Stewie: I say, am I to strut about all day like a beggar child in Calcutta? Fetch me something linen to throw on before I call child services.
Lois: Please don't threaten mommy. She's very hot

Lois: Stewie, look what Mommy made for dessert.
Stewie: Ooh, Jell-O. How exotic! I feel like I'm on the deck of the QE2

Lois: Now you shouldn't be frightened Stewie. What you saw was actually a very beautiful thing.
Stewie: Evidentally, madame, you and I differ greatly in our conception of beauty. Because what I just witnessed was ghastlier than a thousand ghouls!
Lois: Stewie, mommies and daddies like to hug each other that way. In fact sweetie, that's sort of how you were created.
Stewie: Oh! That is a vile and odious lie! How dare you fill my head with such loathesome propaganda! Get out you horrid woman! Get out!

Lois: Meg, you're a sweet, beautiful girl, he'll come around.
Meg: That's such a mom answer.
Lois: Well, have you tried showing him the goods? How's that for a mom answer?
Meg: Creepy

Lois: They might be very nice people.
Peter: Very nice people, yeah that's what they always say. Then you open up the septic tank and BAM, skeleton city

Bonnie: The movers tracked grease all over my carpet. I tried everything to get the stain out.
Lois: What about lemon juice?
Bonnie: Oh, what about club soda?
Stewie: What about shutting the hell up?

Man: Wow, Lois Griffin, Hey, I love your act! Nice melons.
Peter: Now listen pal!
Lois: Peter, I'm holding melons.
Peter: Oh.
Man: And her hooters aint bad either.
Peter: Now hold on a second.
Lois: Peter! I'm holding hooters!
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Man: No problem.... Your wife's hot
Peter: Alright that's it

[Stewie stumbles up to Lois...]
Stewie: Hello mother, care to partake in your oh so exhilarating games of Peek-A-Boo?
Lois: Oh my god, my baby's drunk!
Peter: No I'm not, what, oh him? Oh yeah, he's a real light weight

Stewie: Machiavelli! You've told me nothing I don't already know! Ah Sun Tzu's The Art of War.
Lois: Stewie, those books aren't for babies. Here, watch the Teletubbies.
Stewie: How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind

Stewie: I'm in seering pain!
Lois: Oh, you're just teething, Stewie. It's a normal part of a baby's life.
Stewie: Very well then. I order you to kill me at once!

Lois: Bye bye Stewie. Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you goodnight.
Stewie: Burn in hell!

Jennifer: Meg, you didn't tell me your mother was just like Martha Stewart!
Lois: Oh, no. Once you get to know me, I'm really very nice

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Bill Clinton: All right, are you ready for another round of N.A.F.T.A
Lois Griffin: What does N.A.F.T.A. mean?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon of F****** That Ass!