Stewie: Machiavelli! You've told me nothing I don't already know! Ah Sun Tzu's The Art of War.
Lois: Stewie, those books aren't for babies. Here, watch the Teletubbies.
Stewie: How dare you! That book may hold the key to my enslaving of all mankind

Stewie: I'm in seering pain!
Lois: Oh, you're just teething, Stewie. It's a normal part of a baby's life.
Stewie: Very well then. I order you to kill me at once!

Lois: Bye bye Stewie. Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you goodnight.
Stewie: Burn in hell!

Jennifer: Meg, you didn't tell me your mother was just like Martha Stewart!
Lois: Oh, no. Once you get to know me, I'm really very nice

Peter: What can me and you do together? (Lois giggles) Lois, you've got a sick mind!
Lois: Peter, I'm talkin' about making love.
Peter: Oh, I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money

Lois: I know you don't like broccoli Stewie, but you'll thank me when you grow up big and strong like your father.
Stewie: A compelling argument. You've swayed me, woman. Mmmm. That is good. Oh I feel stronger already. Mmmm it's good tasting and good for you

Lois: Stewie, you can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables.
Stewie: Well then, I shall sit here until one of us expires, and you've got a good forty years on me woman!

Lois: Sweetie, it's broccoli. It's good for you. Now open up for the airplane.
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers!

Lois: Honey, it's not going to go away just because you don't like it.
Stewie: Well then, my goal becomes clear. The broccoli must die!

Lois: Peter, what did you promise me last night?
Peter: I wouldn't drink at the stag party.
Lois: And what did you do?
Peter: Drank at the stag pa-woah, I almost walked right into that one

Lois: Stewie, why don't you play in the other room?
Stewie: Why don't you burn in hell!

Stewie: Well, well mother, we meet again.
Lois: Stewie, I thought I tucked you in an hour ago.
Stewie: Not tightly enough it would seem, and now you contemptible harpy, I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny!

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley