Carmen: If this is about you and me, just say that.
Mac: I'm never going to admit that, Carmen. But come on, him? What do you see in this guy? Look at my body compared to his. I'm a hard body, you're a hard body. We could be hard bodies together.
Sweet camel toe. That's a great tuck job. You got it taped back there?
Mac: Why are you jamming me up, bro?
Gym Manager: I'm not trying to jam you up, I just don't believe you.
Mac: What is not to believe? I'm absolutely Dennis Reynolds.
Gym Manager: This picture looks nothing like you.
Mac: Well, thank you, cause I've actually packed on about fifteen to twenty pounds of solid bulk muscle since that picture was taken. It's actually a testament to your gym.
I gotta get my pump on.
Mac: Well, maybe it boils down to this smart guy: computers are for losers.
Dennis: You're drinking a beer at eight o'clock in the morning!
Mac: Whatever dude. Irrelevant.
Mac: Then we promise that we will come back with our butts filled.
Charlie: So filled! So filled for you!
Mac: Do you want to shove heroin into your ass?
Charlie: Dude, I don't want to shove anything in my ass!
Mac: All right! This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are, and not have to shove anything up our asses!
Mac: Oh, man, New Orleans really had their s**t figured out!
Dennis: Oh, they totally had their s**t figured out! Except for the levees.
Mac: Right, yeah, except for the levees.
This music sounds like whales raping each other.
Mac: This is why people flock to places like Las Vegas and New Orleans and spring break. Because they're free to go wild. The girls go wild. The girls in Philly need a place to go wild.
Dennis: Yeah, right. I mean New Orleans was washed away in that terrible, terrible storm. We need to open up Paddy's as a haven for freedom.
Dennis: A replacement for the tragic loss of New Orleans.
Dee: I am not a failure!
Mac: Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn't succeed?
Dennis: Uh, that would in fact be a failure.
Gentlemen, sorry we couldn't work anything out, but I gotta go home and pay my taxes.