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The-simpsons

Marge: This disaster-ette was a real wake-up call. We need to find a way to protect our irreplaceables.
Firefighter: You could buy a fireproof safe.
Homer: Or we could just resolve to be more careful with our open flames!
Firefighter: Sir, we've been here six times this month.
Homer: Yeah, but, um, one of those, I dialed 911 by mistake but I was too embarrassed to admit it so I set the house on fire. Feels good to tell the truth. No, I'm lying again, it feels bad.

Marge: Grampa's driving me crazy!
Homer: Why are you telling me? He's YOUR father-in-law.

Homer: (as Esteban) So, how long is senor Homer out of town for?
Marge: Ooh, I don't know, he might come home any minute
Homer: Then I must flee! (jumps out the window and re-enters the room as himself) Where is he? Where is he? I smell his aftershave!
Marge: I don't think we're doing this right.

Marge: Homie, you woke up early?
Homer: Stumbled home at dawn, same diff.

Marge: Bart, honey, this is all we can afford for now. If it doesn't work, maybe when you're an adult you can pay some lady to make you happy for an hour.
Bart: Ya know, I'm pretty sure I will.

Marge: The biggest change for me over the last 8 years that's gotta be Homer.
Homer: Marge, baby, I got a picture of you tattooed on my chest!
(he opens his shirt to reveal a skull with Marge's hairdo)
Homer: They had a sale on skulls.

Marge: Homer! Don't kill the foreign man!
Homer: Relax Marge. I wasn't going to kill him.
(Knives drop out of Homer's shirt, and pants.)

Marge: Bart, you're too young to get married! You still ask me to check the closet for the boogeyman!
Bart: Well, maybe I've found somebody else to do it for me!

Snake: Hand over your wallet.
Homer: You don't frighten me!
(Snake shoots Homer)
Homer: Or my wife!
(Snake shoots Marge)
Homer: Or my--
Marge: Shut up!

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