Favorite Marshall Eriksen Quotes
Robin: If I can't even get my best friends to watch my show, then what viewers can I possibly get?
Marshall: Lots of people! Bed-ridden insomniacs ... bums peering in department store windows ... people in the ER, where the TV is in a cage and you can't change the channel ...
Lily: Ooh, do you have any stalkers?
Robin: Yeah, but even Leonard won't watch.
Ted: What are you doing here, Lily let you go?
Marshall: Lily? Psshh, who cares, right?
Ted: You are so dead.
Marshall: Oh, I'm so dead
Marshall: Personally, I'd rather hear the bad news on an answering machine than face the humiliation in person. It's the least painful way you can do it. Who are you calling?
Lily [into phone]: Hi, Marshall, it's Lily, we're not gonna have sex for at least a month. But you're awesome. OK, bye-bye
Lily: [hitting Ted] Who breaks up with somebody on their answering machine on their birthday?!
Marshall: Yeah, dude, e-mail
Marshall: I bequeath to you ... the fourth slap.
Ted: Are you saying what we think you're saying?
Marshall: Probably not. Unless you think I'm saying Slapsgiving 2: Revenge of the Slap, in which case that's exactly what I'm saying!
Mickey: I'm fighting a losing battle with hemroids here.
Marshall: Oh that's of the diseases [from the board game]?
Mickey: No.
Marshall: What'd you get?
Lily: I got squat.
Marshall: What? I thought I saw you take one.
Lily: I did. It's called Squat.
Lily: When you said you were about to get reamed?
Marshall: Oh right that. No, sometimes for fun, we throw reams of paper at each other. Bernard! Not a good time! Read the room!
Lily: Face it Robin, you hate women and women hate you.
Marshall: Ted didn't go to his prom? Classic.
Hey I have given up peeing in the shower for you!
Look at this thing! I'll never have cold pizza again! I'll never have cold pizza again...
Marshall: Now the kid has got to get to work, and the kid is not to be disturbed. Repeat after me: I will not have sex with Marshall.
Ted and Lily: I will not have sex with Marshall
