Nick: I just want to make a good impression on Jess's sister.
Schmidt: Yeah, well, I want Julia Child not to be dead, but here we find ourselves.

Nick: Men don't talk to people they've dated, unless they want sex, or they're Winston.
Winston: I also want sex.

Oh, this is terrible--she's quoting Scripture, but using a ton of cuss words.

Just drive the car. I gotta tell my girlfriend that I don't love her so she doesn't leave me.

I'm pretty sure I'm having a heart attack, and I haven't arranged for anyone to clear my browser history. I wasn't building a bomb, I was just curious.

Nick: Do you know any time-consuming, free activities in Griffith Park?
Schmidt: Gross! Suicide?

Jess, you win! I'm gonna take you...respectfully!

Nick: I'm gonna have to turn off the tap!
Jess: What tap?
Nick: The sex tap!
Jess: But I need my vitamin D!

Jess: So Nick doesn't have a traditional career.
Nick: Or is it the MOST traditional career? Or am I thinking of prostitution?

So I have good news from the doctor--you don't have rabies. You have giardia, and something called "Legionnaires disease."

I should have known those beets weren't from nature. Nothing purple comes from nature.

The eyeball fell off, that's how you know it's good!

New Girl Quotes

Cece: What's your stripper name?
Jess: Uh, Rebecca Johnson.
Cece: Your stripper name is Rebecca Johnson?
Jess: Boobies Johnson. Two Boobs Johnson.

I could pretend to be more like you, Jess, and live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time.

Nick