Tzatziki is what it's called. It's Jewish charity.

What is money anyway? It's just paper that some king on a mountain said was worth something. Gold I understand, it's shiny. You can make jewelry out of it.

A bank is just a paper bag but with fancier walls.

Nick: It's Schmidt we're talking about here. After we saw the movie "Titanic," he started the Billy Zane Fan Club.
Jess: What?!
Nick: Look it up. They're called Zane-iacs.

Jess: I have to show Nick...something in the bathroom.
Nick: It's tiles...I'm so bad at lying! It's for sex!

Nick: You know so many "Spaceballs" quotes.
Jess: They jammed the radar with literal jam!

Nick: I believe horses are from outer space--
Jess: I believe that, too!

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

If I get another ticket, they're gonna make me wear glasses.

Cece, I'm sorry, but when I stand up, you're gonna see my penis, and when I walk out, you're gonna see my butt.

Winston: An eye for an eye, Nick; a cat for a cat.
Nick: But what's the other cat?

Jess: Drinking to be cool, Nick? That's not a real thing.
Nick: That's the only thing in the world I know to be true.

New Girl Quotes

Don't ask about the duffle bag, bitch!

Edgar's mom

Schmidt [to Cece, in a bikini]: Hey, you look awesome.
Cece: It's a Before-and-After for a Bolivian diet pill.
Schmidt: Elgatrax? Yeah, I've taken that.