Schmidt fired me and now I'll never get to use this briefcase I bought and it was $19!

What do you call a lunatic who's only got one case and no hobbies? Your worst nightmare.

When you put it like that, it sounds amazing...AND like prison.

Jess: Why does your bottom need to breathe?
Nick: It's like a plant. It needs sun and air.

I've got an uncle whose God-given name is 'Shifty.'

She is sleeping. By herself. Which is called napping.

Why lie? You know how many Millers have been or currently are in jail?

Schmidt: It's a bar mitzvah!
Nick: I am NOT watching a kid get circumcised.

Nick: I just want to make a good impression on Jess's sister.
Schmidt: Yeah, well, I want Julia Child not to be dead, but here we find ourselves.

Nick: Men don't talk to people they've dated, unless they want sex, or they're Winston.
Winston: I also want sex.

Oh, this is terrible--she's quoting Scripture, but using a ton of cuss words.

Just drive the car. I gotta tell my girlfriend that I don't love her so she doesn't leave me.

New Girl Quotes

Beans are nothing but soggy nuts!

Schmidt

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick