Are you okay to drive? You've got crazy eyes!

Coach: His jeans are so small.
Nick: Looks like a puppet, like something an Italian whittled

He lost five pounds, he gained confidence with women, and he saw the movie "Multiplicity" 25 times.

I stole that from Nelson Mandela. I added the part about the Penguin and the Riddler.

Are we ever gonna get to the point where you stop working on me? Or instead of changing me, maybe once Jess, see it my way.

It's not a perfect system Jess, but it's mine ok? And it's private.

Tzatziki is what it's called. It's Jewish charity.

What is money anyway? It's just paper that some king on a mountain said was worth something. Gold I understand, it's shiny. You can make jewelry out of it.

A bank is just a paper bag but with fancier walls.

Nick: It's Schmidt we're talking about here. After we saw the movie "Titanic," he started the Billy Zane Fan Club.
Jess: What?!
Nick: Look it up. They're called Zane-iacs.

Jess: I have to show Nick...something in the bathroom.
Nick: It's tiles...I'm so bad at lying! It's for sex!

Nick: You know so many "Spaceballs" quotes.
Jess: They jammed the radar with literal jam!

New Girl Quotes

A lot of people never graduated high school! Einstein! Bill Gates! Anne Frank! I'm gonna take back that last one.

Schmidt

I'm not convinced I know how to read, I've just memorized a lot of words.

Nick