Perry Cox Quotes
J.D.: Will, the pneumonia patient, I got him to quit smoking.
Dr. Cox: Forever?
J.D.: Yuh-huh!
Dr. Cox: No "last one"? 'Cause the last ones are better than sex, trust me, I've had about a thousand of 'em
J.D.: I ordered blood cultures and a high-resolution CT.
Will: What are you looking for?
Dr. Cox: Cancer.
J.D.'s thoughts: When you say the word "cancer," every person reacts the same way.
Will: Excellent.
J.D.'s thoughts: Not like that.
[Will faints]
J.D.'s thoughts: There it is
Dr. Cox: You are to return that umbrella to me at the hospital. Not here. Is that clear?
J.D.: Yeah.
Dr. Cox: Hey, newbie...know what your problem is?
J.D.: My bones hurt?
Dr. Cox: You were gonna, what, rescue me from loneliness with a $3 six-pack of light beer? It turns out we can't save people from themselves, newbie. We just treat 'em. We're gonna treat that kid with a respiratory problem, and when he comes back with cancer, go ahead and treat that too.
J.D.: Well, thanks for the pick-me-up.
Dr. Cox: Hey. Smokers, drinkers, druggies, fatties, whatever. All I'm saying is, if you keep living and dying on whether or not a person changes, well...you're not gonna make it as a doctor, that's all. Now come here and give me a hug. It's okay, come here. Come here. Get outta here! And take this piss water with you. It's embarrassing to have it here.
Dr Cox's friend: I'll drink it!
Dr. Cox: I'll take the beer. You'll beat it
Dr. Cox: Would you stay? And watch the game with me? Maybe have a slice of pizza?
J.D.: Of course I will.
Dr. Cox: I can braid your hair. I know the couch isn't very deep, but we could move the back cushion and spoon. [Addressing his friends who have just walked in the door] Hey you guys, what do you say? Beer and chips in the back. [Turning back to J.D.] Just ignore them, and would you tell me the answer to this question: Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?
Dr. Cox: Do you know what you've just done? You just lost all lap-dog privileges.
J.D.: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: No more walkies, no more treats, no more following me around the hospital.
J.D.: I'm not your lap-dog.
Dr. Cox: Hey you, back there, what do we do with lap-dogs who can't behave in the house?
Doug: Make them stay outside?
Dr. Cox: That's right. You now have five seconds to get out of this room, otherwise I'm gonna start whacking you on the nose with this!
Dr. Cox: How much does this guy smoke?
J.D.: I dunno.
Dr. Cox: You realize, of course, it's your attention to detail that impresses me most. How many packs a day, genius?
Will: Half a pack.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I'm sorry, I phrased the question wrong. How many packs a day... really.
Will: Eleven. Now you don't know where I'm coming from!
(Cox whistles threateningly)
Will: Two or three packs.
Dr. Cox: Well, let's hear it...
J.D.: Oh, I don't smoke, so...zero packs!
Carla: What tests have you ordered?
J.D.: Oh. I know, I was just totally kidding with you.
Will: He was...we're all in on it.
J.D.: Dr. Cox; I got, uh, Will's CT results back. No cancer! So, uh, what should I tell him?
Dr. Cox: I'd open with that
J.D.: Oh, Dr. Cox, I know I'm being annoying. But I-I'm really getting used to talking to patients. I mean, this is why I became a doctor; right? Right?
Dr. Cox: I heard "I know I'm being annoying," and then...white noise
Oh, this woman is just fantastic. I mean, the breasts are probably fake, but, by God, those tears are real!
Dr. Cox
Dr. Cox: Did you actually just page me to find out how much tylenol to give to Mrs. Lensner?
J.D.: I was worried it could exasterbate the patient's...
Dr. Cox: Its regular strength tylenol. Here's what you do: Get her to open her mouth, take a handfull and throw it at her. Whatever sticks - that's the correct dosage
Dr. Cox: Pumpkin, that's modern medicine. Advances that keep people alive that should have died along time ago, back when they lost what made them people. Now your job is to stay sane enough so that when someone does come in that you actually can help, you're not so brain dead that you can't function-for the love of God, what?
J.D.: Its just... do you think we should be talking about this in front of her?
Dr. Cox: Her? She's dead. Write this down newbie, if you push around a stiff, nobody will ask you to do anything.
J.D.: You've been like a father to me.
Dr. Cox: Fair enough, you want some real advice? If they find out they nurses are doing your proceedures for you, your ass will be kicked out of here so fast it will make your head spin
Dr. Cox: Why does this gomer got to try and die every day during my lunch!
J.D.: That's a little insensitive.
J.D.'s narration: Mistake.
Dr. Cox: The man's 92 years old, he has full dementia, he doesn't even know we're here. He is inches from Carla's rack and he hasn't even flinched.
Carla: Aw, so sweet.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, it is...
J.D.: What about his subconscious?
Dr. Cox [leans in close to the patient]: Eisenhower...was a sissy. Dr. Cox [after no reaction, to J.D.]: I think, by the grace of God, we're gonna be okay. Oh, and from now on, whenever I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk
