Now all I need is a group photo of me kneeling in front of the village so I can brag about what a good person I am.

Carter: So that money's just been Josh Hartnetted?
Peter: What's that?
Carter: Gone, disappeared, never to be heard from again.

Spending the day with him is going to be worse than eating at a ballpark.

Besides, it's been a while since we ate at a place where, if you ask for ketchup, they look at your like you're dirt.

He's happier than a sunny side up egg.

Just one questions, Stewie. Do you get pleasure out of humiliating your family?

Joe: Public opinion has shifted, and the boys upstairs said they can no longer ignore it.
Peter: Who the hell are the boys upstairs?

Lois, I am an unelected vigilante and take my job very seriously.

Or you can pull the hose out of the bucket and let the hose run free.

There are gaps in my knowledge. This is hardly news.

The only way to settle a family dispute is in the cage.

Meg: Trust me, I know more about getting bullied than anyone.
Peter: You do? How?

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Meg: Do you like Coldplay?
Tobey: Am I a dull white guy? Yes, I like Coldplay!