Family Guy

Sundays 9:00 PM on FOX
Family guy
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I don't speak for Jesus, I just get him trim.

Peter: Like, anything in the universe?
Jesus: Anything.
Peter: Brookstone massage chair.
Jesus: Are you sure?
Peter: Never been more sure about anything in my life.

Peter: Oh look Jesus, you shouldn't be alone during Christmas. And if I remember correctly, isn't your birthday sometime soon too?
Jesus: Ah whatever, I'm fine. I'll probably just reheat some ramen and watch Grey's Anatomy.

You want me to pick up something on the way or, no you're good?

Oh it's not that much Lois, just infinity times what you bring home every week.

Oh I will find one. I mean, you are looking at the guy who found the fountain of youth. It is very far away from here,

Well last night me and Brian got drunk and ate the turkey, but before you get mad we also ate the salad.

I'm the guy who killed your bodyguard.

"What if Bono had been too afraid to wear sunglasses…then nobody would know about Africa!"

"I used to love Duff when I was younger, but I haven't even had it in like 13 years."

Brian: Peter, what are you doing?
Peter: Playing Unga Bunga. It's the championship.
Stewie: Go away! This is why Zillow estimates our house at $4.

I'm glad we're staying together. Honestly, I don't know what I would do on my own. Like, I literally have no idea where food comes from. Is it that guy? Is he the food man?

Displaying quotes 1 - 12 of 844 in total

Family Guy Quotes

North Dakota, we're not even the best Dakota!

Peter

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley