Peter: It feels like just yesterday, she was born!
Doctor: You want to cut the cord?
Peter: Yeah, sure!
Doctoer: Okay that wasn't the cord, and now you've got a girl.

Lois: Is that what you really thoguht?
Peter: I did, I really did.

What!? Why's there an animated one of me and you doing it on there?

My name's Evan by the way.

Evan

Lois, please send these back to the factory, I believe they're defective.

Brian: Winning!
Peter: Haha, remember somebody said that?

Doctor: I did a CAT scan
Peter: On a dog, haha.
Doctor: Haha, we laughed about that too.

Doesn't it make more sense…to kill her?

Brian: Bazinga!
Peter: Haha, like what the guy scientist says. Brian, say something else from TV!
Brian: Watchu talkin bout Willis!?

A huge part of being an idiot is calling people out for thinking they're better than you.

Peter: You want a beer?
Brian: Peter, it's 11 AM.
Peter: If the clock ain't digital, you don't know that!

I don't speak for Jesus, I just get him trim.

Family Guy Quotes

(Stewie and Brian begin kissing in order to get thrown out of the Army)
Stewie: Wow, look at how gay we are! I am so gay with my gayness!
Brian: Me, too! I'm...I'm a homo.
Army Guy: Any room for one more?
Stewie: Hell yeah!
(Brian smacks Stewie)

No matter how low I turn the volume, Aziz Ansari is always shouting at me. What did I do?

Stewie