Peter: Let me help you! I'm great at finding stuff. Last night, I found Lois's g-spot!
Lois: No, he didn't!
Peter: I didn't think she was home.

Lesbians have regular carpets, too, you pervs.

Wow, Chicago--the San Francisco treat.

I hate to sound like every woman ever, but I'm depressed.

Peter: I had an affair and I think we should talk about it.
Lois: Peter, jamming yourself into a grapefruit is not an affair.

Peter: Fresh air is bad for a kid. Look at Michael J. Fox.
Lois: What?
Peter: I don't know.

Peter: I am going to the Clam and I am getting my booth back! And Meg, you're gay.
Meg: No, I'm not.
Peter: You like guys, right?
Meg: Yeah.
Peter: That's called being gay.

Scumbag: Smells like this guy's already wet himself.
Peter: Don't flatter yourself--that was from this morning.

We're supposed to stick together! Like goatee guys at a barbecue!

Says 'Glenn Quagmire.' But if you squint and imagine it says 'Peter Griffin,' it says 'Peter Griffin'!

Peter: Peter: My hog cannot partake in the slop this evening.

Quagmire: What was Simon without Garfunkel?
Peter: Wildly successful?

Family Guy Quotes

I forgot Yelp was a weapon for dumb people, you taught me something today Brian.

Stewie

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)