The only way to settle a family dispute is in the cage.

Meg: Trust me, I know more about getting bullied than anyone.
Peter: You do? How?

I can't go to jail. They'll razz me good on account of my belly.

What if God is a serial killer? He lowers the average lifespan of humans to 65.

I'm as creative as the first spider to spin a web.

Hey, Meg, I like your new boyfriend. Every pot finds a lid, huh?

We act like we didn't take a lot from The Simpsons, but we took a lot from The Simpsons.

Brian: Well I don't know if I'd label myself a drinker. I know I like a cold beer after I mow the lawn.
Peter: There were three lies in that sentence.

Peter: I missed you Brian.
Brian: I missed you too Peter.
Peter: And now Im gonna go upstairs and pee in Meg's bed.
Brian: No, we're going to go pee in Meg's bed.
Peter: Good boy.

Oh god how do you get pink-eye? This is got to be it!

He's my friend, I miss him.

Brian: Permission to take fast tiny bites at my own tail, sir?
Peter: Go ahead.

Family Guy Quotes

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)

Bill Clinton: All right, are you ready for another round of N.A.F.T.A
Lois Griffin: What does N.A.F.T.A. mean?
Bill Clinton: 'Nother Afternoon of F****** That Ass!