I think we're all having a baby!

Good to see you Betty Luke.

You can kiss my wife, you can take her to bed, but only I can make her laugh.

He got divorced and his whole life opened up. Guy's living the dream.

Phil: All over YouTube.
Claire: It went viral.
Phil: Some sicko auto-tunned me.

Phil: Someday I'll be walking you down the aisle.
Haley: Not if you're in perv jail.

Some voters find Claire angry and unlikeable. To those voters I would say...wait till she reads this.

Claire: I assure you, you are fine.
Phil: That's very comforting coming from a marketing major at a party school.

Let's dim the lights, crank up Norah Jones and get this over with.

That's how Craigslist works. Total strangers sell you things like signed vintage baseball cards that make your father-in-law respect you for an afternoon.

Ho Ho Hold up a sec!

He's me and it's spectacular!

Modern Family Quotes

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

His turn offs are farms, Fizbo, and worst of all Farmbo.

Claire [about Mitchell]