Deal with it!

Phil and Lem

That's right, once a month they send us a new cadaver whether we're finished with the old one or not.

We can't leave work in the middle of the day. We're not Somali pirates.

Lem: These super-bagels are terrible. You can totally taste the high impact carbon.
Phil: That's because they're 98% high impact carbon. Whenever you go past 97%, it's hard to mask the taste.

Phil: Are you sure we're doing the right thing?
Lem: I've never been so sure about being unsure of anything in my life.
Phil: Good. Then we're on the same page. Let's do it.

Lem: Maybe we should take a stand. Maybe we should say this is the one thing that must not be used for evil.
Phil: Or maybe we say that the next thing we make must not be used for evil, but this one with we're fine with. And maybe the next one after that. But someday, they will push us too far, and the next time after that..
Lem: No, the time is now. 12:35. Maybe we should discuss this for another 20 minutes and then commit to something.

Ted: It's hard for me to fulfill my manly duties when Phi keeps telling me how much I'm pleasuring him.
Phil: Oh, my God.
Ted: Yes, you said that a lot last night.

Ted: Phil, why on earth would you use your voice for the translator device?
Phil: It was the fastest way to fix it, since we already had my voice in the computer from that failed talking frying pan project.
Lem: Stupid thing wouldn't stop screaming when you put it on the burner.
Phil: Plus, it was very critical. "You really need that much butter?" Screw you, frying pan.

Lem: Oh, my God. Maybe we're evil scientists.
Phil: (laughing manically) I'm sorry. I laugh like that when faced with an unpleasant truth. That's why I got thrown out of that Al Gore movie.

Lem: We don't create evil things.
Ted: Some might see this long-range people-skinning laser as evil-ish.
Phil: Well, that was only designed so you could peel an orange in your kitchen while sitting comfortably in your living room.
Ted: Well, now it's used to peel enemy soldiers overseas while you sit comfortably in the Pentagon.

Ted: And listen. The Germans are all worried because, ironically, they think that Veridian is ruthlessly efficient and bent on world domination.
Phil: Wow. That's like when those Irish auditors thought our accounting department drank too much and wrote overly depressing poetry

Lem: Now we're on to how you're gonna fix it.
Patricia: I can't tell the company. They'll put something in my food that makes me infertile.
Phil: They don't do things like that or cancel gym memberships.

Better Off Ted Quotes

Okay, people, we need to turn this simple festive gourd into a killer. I've asked Dr. Bamba to take a look at how Nature does it, because Nature is a fantastic killer of things


Veronica: We want to weaponize a pumpkin.
Ted: Then so do I. Because?
Veronica: There's a country with whom we do business that grows a great deal of pumpkins and would welcome additional uses for them. As well as cheaper ways to kill their enemies.
Ted: Well, finally the pumpkin gets to do something besides Halloween.
Veronica: Pie.
Ted: Halloween and pie