I was going to spend the night with my special little lady, but she got worms and I had to take her to the vet.

Oh my God. She's not going to bathe me, is she?

How do you sleep in these things? Silk pajamas on satin sheets, I slid out of the bed like 3 times.

Raj: I didn't know you can have a cyst inside a cyst.
Mrs. Wolowitz: The doctor said they were like Russian nesting dolls.

Dump her? What did he use? A fork lift?

Way to make lemonade. You know from around the corner where fudge is made.

Howard: They spent a ton of money developing this dandruff medication that had the horrible side effect of anal leakage.
Raj: Is there a good anal leakage?

Raj: Aren't you gonna to eat lunch?
Howard: Nah, I blew my food allowance on Pokemon cards?

Raj: Oh, okay, great. Now, I can look like Val Kilmer as Batman, instead of Val Kilmer as he looks today.
Howard: All right, you can suck it in a little bit.

It worked. We printed a whistle.

Raj: Are they actually arguing about comic books?
Leonard: No, that can't be right.
Howard: Maybe "Thor's Hammer" is a new color of nail polish.

Did we at least rent the car from Enterprise? Get it? Enterprise? Screw you. That's funny.

TBBT Quotes

Penny, there's only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life's problems, and that's an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter, if you're in a pinch.

Sheldon

Penny: Here's a question-- as an alien pretending to be human, are you planning to engage in any post-prom mating rituals with Amy?
Sheldon: There are post-prom mating rituals?
Penny: Not always. Unless your date drives a van with an air mattress, then always.
Sheldon: Well, if it's part of the prom experience, then I'm open to it.
Penny: You're kidding.
Sheldon: I may be an alien, but I have urges.If Amy wants to copulate by firing her eggs into space, well, then, I will happily catch them with the reproductive sac on my upper flermin. I'm not the best at reading facial cues, but I can see that you're a little turned on.