I'm counting that as foreplay.

You won't regret it. I'm the most pathetic guy you've ever met.

My heart is stone. From now on, I'm a monk. I renounce all worldly pleasures. Except for Lobster. And, garlic butter.

Later, Losers!

I was going to spend the night with my special little lady, but she got worms and I had to take her to the vet.

Oh my God. She's not going to bathe me, is she?

How do you sleep in these things? Silk pajamas on satin sheets, I slid out of the bed like 3 times.

Raj: I didn't know you can have a cyst inside a cyst.
Mrs. Wolowitz: The doctor said they were like Russian nesting dolls.

Dump her? What did he use? A fork lift?

Way to make lemonade. You know from around the corner where fudge is made.

Howard: They spent a ton of money developing this dandruff medication that had the horrible side effect of anal leakage.
Raj: Is there a good anal leakage?

Raj: Aren't you gonna to eat lunch?
Howard: Nah, I blew my food allowance on Pokemon cards?

TBBT Quotes

I just gave you my virginity, woman. Cool your jets!

Sheldon

Penny: Leonard, sweetheart, you twisted your ankle playing Scrabble.
Leonard: I got a triple word score with a double letter Q. If that's not a time to bust out the Scrabble dance, what's the point of having one?