Here's mine. It's a hamburger made out of meat on a bun with nothing. Add ketchup if you want I couldn't care less.

Employee: Sir, is there a problem?
Ron: I'm just making sure no one ever has to eat this.

Chris: Have you ever tried a turkey burger?
Ron: Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger? If so, yes, delicious.

Listen, I've eaten a commissary hamburger for lunch every day for twelve years. I just wanted to make sure this pointless health crusade won't affect the only part of my job that I like.

"The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you light an ex-wife effigy."

"The dentist pulled the tooth out yesterday but it's always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain. Plus, it's always fun to see Tom faint."

What the fuck is a German muffin?!?

Ben: I'm just gonna sleep on the floor.
Ron: It's called the "ground" when it's outside.

It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

All of you be quiet. Andy, she's mad because you said "awesome sauce" instead of "I love you too." April, he loves you. Stop being a child. Tom, you're clearly at fault here. Blaming Jerry won't save you. Jerry, we both know you were shotgunning funnel cakes instead of watching Lil Sebastian. So everyone apologize to everyone else.

Leslie: So everybody gather around. Let's grab hands.
Ron: I don't hold hands.

Leslie: Chris is cheating on Ann. There's evidence everywhere. She's coming up here so they can have it out.
Ron: Ask her to bring some garlic salt. I'm worried Chris doesn't have any.

Parks & Rec Quotes

April is the best, but she's 20. When April was born I was already in third grade, which means if we were friends back then I would have been hanging out with a baby. I don't know anything about infant care. Oh my god I could have killed her.

Andy

Sometimes when you make an omelet you've gotta break a few eggs. What's the alternative? No omelets at all? Who wants to live in that kind of world? Maybe birds. Then all their babies would live.

Leslie